Blood Test

Went in for the blood tests my RE ordered, it being CD 3 today.

I was kind of annoyed because the med tech said he couldn't do the insulin test because I hadn't fasted overnight. But when I called the lab the day before, they said fasting wasn't really necessary if my doctor didn't specifically say so - and she didn't. To be sure, I texted "family doctor" Baby Blues and she said, I didn't really need to fast but it was best to have it done in the morning. Anyway, I have to go back tomorrow morning first thing to get it done. What a pain.

Speaking of pain, I almost died when they gave me the bill for the four tests: LH, FSH, testosterone and insulin. Bloody, frickin' hell man!!! &*^%$#@ It's like a joke The Powers That Be are playing on us. In this country, the poorest of the poor have no problems conceiving. They're baby factories. Families with eleven kids are NOT an uncommon thing for those at or below the poverty line. Then, here's me - seemingly barren but living quite comfortably. It's like the Universe is saying, "Hey, you can AFFORD to be infertile!" Oh hahaha, so funny, so clever. Thanks a lot!

Anyway, my Tarb was with me when I had the test done and she was just the cutest. She volunteered to hold my hand while it was all being done. And she said, "I might give you a lollipop after". (Standard procedure at her pedia's office - she's such a fabulous patient, she gets two).

The nursery is on the same floor as the lab, so the Tarb and I had a good look at the babies on the way out. There were only three of them and they were all wrapped like spring rolls in their blue and green blankets. When I told her they were all boys, she was like, I don't like them. Where's the girl? And providentially, she did get to see a baby girl when we got in the elevator. She was getting ready to go home.

I thought I might feel bad seeing the babies but I'd say it was more excitement. Ok, there was a teeny weeny weeny dull ache somewhere within but still, excitement was the overriding emotion. I guess it's because I know that I'm doing something more concrete to find out about and hopefully solve my infertility.

And by Thursday, I should have some answers.

Announcing The Arrival Of...

AUNT FLO.

Of course she chose to arrive at a truly inconvenient time - at work, in the middle of my show! And she brought along presents like extreme bloatedness in all the wrong places and piercing lower back pain. Smile!

But I must say, I'm happy to see the old hag. Her arrival means that I can subject myself to a blood test over the weekend. And I don't really fear needles, so no problem there. As my Tarb says, "I'm brave of injections" - and she truly is. She doesn't cry. She'll maybe let out a whimper at most. And the freakiest thing of all - she LOOKS while they're doing it! Strange child...

Anyway, I need to pop an Advil to take the edge off AF's visit. Have a great weekend, everyone!

The Consult

I went to see Dr. L the RE for the first time today. She was very business like - in a grandmotherly way. Not exactly like my regular OBGNYE whom I can chat up a storm with but warmer than I had expected.

Here's the score:

- After an IE, she said my uterus was slightly enlarged probably because I'm expecting AF but we couldn't rule out pregnancy.
- A test done right then and there was a BFN - surprise, surprise...
- My uterus is leaning forward slightly so my cervix is postioned a bit further back than usual. Dr. L said it was nothing to worry about.
- I need to go in for a blood test on CD 2 or 3 to see where I stand but there is definitely Metformin in my future.
- Hubby needs another sperm work up. 5 days abstinence - good luck to me convincing him it'll all be worth his "sacrifice" and whacking off in the toilet of the outpatient lab at the hospital.
- Dr. L says it's very unlikely my tubes are blocked because 1) I already have one kid and 2) I haven't had any infections.
- Dr. L also said, I'm very lucky 1) to have had one successful pregnancy considering my one lazy ovary and LT's slightly low sperm count 2) that I don't exhibit the tell tale signs of a PCOS patient (being overweight and hairy) probably because only one ovary was diagnosed as polycystic.

So now there's nothing to do but wait for AF - that inconsiderate cow who's never there when you need her but ALWAYS there when she's not welcome.

I'm actually excited to get all the results. I'm all bright eyed and bushy-tailed that they won't be tooooo bad. But even if they are, it'll be nice to finally see exactly where we are in the labyrinth of IF. Anything beats guessing and worrying in informational limbo, right?

And if anyone sees AF, please tell her to come by my house asap.

The Souvenir

I was looking for something in the jungle that is my night stand drawer today and then I saw it. The one and only BFP pregnancy test stick my pee has ever been able to produce. It was really the strangest feeling to see it and hold it in my hands. I swear, I had a nanosecond-long adrenaline rush, thinking or hoping really hard - for a second - that I had just peed on the damn thing!

I was staring the the two purple parallel lines for quite a while... then I got sad. I thought about my knees going weak and the blood turning to ice in my veins that night - December 9th, 2002. There's just no thrill like it. And it scares the shit out of me to think that I may not ever feel that particular kind of joy again. I never thought it'd take this long or be this hard to see those two lines side by side again.

By the end of the month, it'll be exactly two years since we started TTC for Tarb #2. Where does the time go? Maybe I should've sent myself to an RE back then - but who knew, right?

There are days I can literally feel my body pining for a pregnancy. Is that weird? It's hard to explain but I start to remember very vividly how it felt to have a swollen belly, bloated breasts, suddenly softened joints, glowing skin. I remember it so clearly sometimes it's like I can actually feel it. I loved the quickening, the fluttering of butterfly wings, bubbles bursting in your tummy - whatever you call it - it's your kid, living and growing inside you. And what I miss most is how PURPOSEFUL pregnancy makes you as a whole.

The things I'm saying may sound really selfish: first, for those of you who haven't even had your first Tarb and second, because I'm emphasizing how fabulous pregnancy made ME (me, me, me) feel - so for that I apologize. But those are the things that honestly come to my mind.

Then soon after that are that thoughts that say: Maybe, me wanting to get pregnant is a selfish thing because I want to feel this and feel that and have more purpose and maybe, I'm too arrogant because I believe DESERVE it because I am (so I like to think) a damn good mom. (Ooh, too many run on sentences - next paragraph please).

I don't have any answers to these crazy questions and I don't pretend to.

All I know is I want a baby.

Seeing an RE for the first time ever tomorrow - hope she can help. Good luck to me...

The Next Step

Took at EPT on Saturday night and it was... a nice, neat BFN.
So instead of wasting another month on Clomid... I've decided it's time to see a specialist. As in I'm seeing her (Dr. L) on Thursday. I'm told she's always booked up but since her clinic operates on a first come, first served basis, I shall haul my infertile ass there reeeaaally early.

As for AF, I'd love to say, the bitch is back - but she ain't. As always, extending her sabbatical in lord knows where.

I'm a little nervous bout seeing an RE but we'd all do whatever it takes and this is the next, perhaps long overdue, step. I've been reading up on all the little things that could be wrong with me and the DH and it's really quite scary. The thing that worries me the most is the fact that - because my Tarb was delievered by C section - I could have adhesions in my uterus, making conditions less than ideal for implanation. (Freak out, freak out!) Although, when I last went for an US, my OBGNY said that it looked like the incision in my uterus healed nicely. Then again, how accurately can an US show you that - haven't a clue!

But I supposed more light will be shed on all this in the coming weeks after a visit to the RE. Good luck to me!

Cramping...

Dear Aunt Flo has sent signals that she's coming for a visit... yipee.

Was sitting in the car in traffic today, then suddenly there it was - the slight back pain and the oh so subtle cramping.

Just a matter of time. Dognabbit!

Waiting...

So it's the days before Aunt Flo's "scheduled" visit and I'm short of going crazy with the thoughts in my head. I'm over analyzing every damn little thing my body is feeling.

This is me the whole day...hmm, my tummy's feeling a wee bit acidic... why am I so sleepy?... you're always sleepy! Oh oh my boobs look bigger... you wish!... I'm sooo hungry... yes, because you didn't have breakfast, genius... hey, I'm not grumpy... if I'm not grumpy I'm not PMSing... and if I'm not PMSing...

Sigh. I've been pregnant before and I remember exactly how it feels. And how I feel right now is not quite it. The first, unmistakable symptom for me, was the very sore breasts and unfortunately, that's one symptom I'm not suffering right now. But that doesn't stop me from hoping against hope - "It's too early to feel anything anyway". I wish there were an EPT that told you like the day after you do it, if one of the boys made it to the egg - just to save us all the agony of waiting!

Yesterday, I found out that an aquaintance of mine is knocked up with her second kid; the first is barely one. I was sincerely happy for her but I couldn't help the feeling of being left behind. I've got one last try on Clomid after this, then off we go to see a specialist.