Better But Still Grumpy

I'm glad to report that I feel better today compared to the past few. I'm not entirely sure why since today wasn't a whole lot different from those since my confinement. It must be the Ben & Jerry's I'm indulging myself with - the icy cold on your tongue, the smooth richness of the chocolate, the contrasting crunch of the nuts... it's the highlight of my day, it really is.

Admittedly, I'm still mostly on the grumpy side. DH tries to please me by giving me whatever I ask for from papayas to crossword puzzles to good ol' space but I'm hardly cheerful. I'd like to blame the hormones but that's a bit too convenient.

I've never been clinically depressed but my confinement has led be to a better understanding of depression. One of depression's definitions is the lack of desire for anything and that's exactly what I've been feeling. NO desire. Not even the desire to do something to make myself feel better.

Oh and I have NOT had a "pretty" day since I started on bed rest! The Du.phastone is making break out! And to think I had flawless, glowing skin during my first pregnancy! The picture of expectant maternal bliss! Now, my jaw line and neck are a tomato patch made in heaven. I also went on a leg shaving strike for six days. Very scary. You'll be happy to know that I put my razor to use two days ago. Though no one was more thrilled than DH.

Another day of bed rest down. Hopefully just 5 more to go.

Stir Crazy

It's the 6th full day of bed rest and I may be going insane with boredom. There is seriously nothing decent on TV, I'm sick of what my DVD collection has to offer (including the stuff that I haven't seen yet!) and for some reason reading makes me restless. That sucks since there's at least four really good books I have yet to finish.

So that leaves me with stuff I just don't do like knit (ok, I learned when I was about seven but I never got addicted to it), crocheting which is completely beyond me (I've tried!), crossword puzzles which I think would makes me feel as restless as reading at this point, Sudoku puzzles (again something beyond me) and blogging which should keep me busy for at least the next 10 minutes. My Mac is a desktop and while Dr. T said I could "compute" for a while each day, it's really better to be in bed.

I was going to shop at iTunes but our net connection is sooo s l o w today and my credit is down to like $3! I don't dare let Tarb hear the 30 second samples of High School Musical 2 songs or that would be my credit good and gone. (Bad mommy!)

All in all, there's not much to complain about. DH has been quite patient. I mean, he grumbles about having to do errands like go to the bank (stuff he ordinarily doesn't have to think about because I take care of all that) but I'm like, hey, welcome to my world! He was even like, you mean I have to line up and wait? Uh, yeah buddy, unless your a multi-million Peso depositor you kinda have to queue up with us vermin. OTHERWISE, he's been buying me magazines and DVDs and calls me up constantly while at the mall, asking if I want this or that or just to tell me that the supermarket has new stock of Ben & Jerry's Super New York Fudge. Oh, and for once, I get to choose what we watch at night. Not too bad...

But I end up sleeping at about 2am now - even if I don't nap during the day. There's such a huge lack of activity in my routine that I just don't get sleepy. I remember this happened when I was unemployed! It's terrible. I can't stand tossing and turning in bed so I don't turn the lights off and try to sleep till my eyelids weigh a ton each.

Then there's a wee bit of anxiety thinking about my check up on the 30th. If Dr. T doesn't let me go back to work well, that'd suck financially. I have 15 days paid leave a year. I've used that up already. So no work, no pay. And the lovely thing about my status as a "star", is that I'm not a regular employee which means that I have absolutely no maternity benefits. (Oh, but I have makeup and clothes sponsors from time to time).

BUT let me say that going stir crazy and temporarily not earning money are still a small price to pay for producing a healthy 2nd Tarb. What wouldn't any of us do right?

That Thing Called A Sub.chorionic He.morrhage

Note: Blogger is pissing me of not wanting to upload my pics.*

DH's whole team (and most of their family members) are headed to LA tomorrow night. It's part of their bonus for winning the championship last conference. We built up the whole LA experience for Tarb - her first time to the States! She got up at 5am the other week to get to the US embassy with her dad to get her visa, we showed her the Disneyland and Universal websites etc.etc.

And now, we are not going.

Dr. T wanted to see me on Friday just to be sure that everything was ok for the trip - though I have to say that she was never keen on the idea of me traveling in my first trimester. Anyway, she has this fabulous new 2D machine. The imaging is still fuzzy but much, much better than her old machine. We saw Tarb 2 moving his/her legs! That was just amazing to me considering he/she is less that 3cm from crown to rump. We saw the heart fluttering AND the cord blood flow - amazing! So there I was, all confident with Tarb 2's HB nice and strong, his/her measurements matching his/her "age".

Then Dr. T. sighs and says, "Ok, this is where my hesitation lies..." (This is where it would be nice if Blogger would allow us to upload non-jpg files). Around the gestational sac (at about 1o'clock of where the fetus is) were these black splotches. "See these?" she asked, "This is where the pregnancy is not properly attached. Those are little bleeds called a sub.chorionic he.morrhage". So she explained that the condition is quite common and usually goes away with complete bed rest and meds. Good-bye LA.



(*Just added the photo. Mucho thanks to Baby Blues for the techie tip!)

She said, the medical term for this is not nice but it is what it is - a threatened abortion. Her instructions: you stay in bed the next two weeks, no errands no nothing. You stand up to use the bathroom and to the dining room - that's it. Sit at your computer for a while maybe but that's it. You can't make a half hearted effort at bed rest. Some women do that, the bleeds get smaller but they grown in size again soon as they return to their normal routine. She even said, if you were my sister, I would make sure as hell you wouldn't get up for anything.

Honestly, when she was telling me all this, I didn't feel so bad. The baby is not being bothered by the condition and it made the choice of not traveling a no-brainer. I'd so been wanting to go on this trip: I've never been to the States with DH, it would've been Tarb's first time, we sooo need a family getaway, those team trips are a hell of a lot of fun, we were supposed to drive to Vegas too. But I did get pangs of guilt when I thought about the risk I might be taking, traveling so far (12 hours in the air) at such a critical time in my pregnancy. Everything Dr. T said gave me so much clarity that it was almost a relief.

DH was NOT happy about it but I just looked at him (I was still on the examining table) and said, I'm telling you right now, I do NOT want to go. After we left, he was all quiet and practically pouting! But I let him be. This trip meant so much to him and at that moment we didn't think they team would give us the cash equivalent of the trip since we weren't going. (They approved giving us the cash later that afternoon). Not that this baby is even worth that amount in cash but I DID have to put things in perspective for this husband of mine.

I just said look, "If someone told you, that in order to save Tarb's life, you had to stay home from this trip, get none of the cash equivalent, you wouldn't think twice. You wouldn't even feel bad. You'd just do it. But now you're pouting and the only reason is, you don't know this baby. This baby is just as important as Tarb and when you see that, you won't be acting like you majorly got cheated out of something". He stopped acting like a brat after that - can you believe these guys sometimes??

So that's me for now. I feel fine otherwise. The nausea has tapered off. I'm just dealing with excess salivation (so gross but can me remedied with a minty hard candy) and gassiness like nothing I've ever experienced before. It's a good thing I have to stay at home! I'm catching up on DVDs and my reading.

Next scan is on the 30th. Bleeds be gone!

Answered Prayer

It's hard to believe I'm about to put this post together. I never really thought how I'd go about it but I guess I can start with the facts...

May 29th: LMP

July 2nd: While in the middle of the thrills and spills of Space Mountain in HK Disneyland this thought came loud and clear in my mind, "What the hell are you doing on this insane roller coaster when you might be pregnant??" Then another voice from within said, "Yah right! Just smile with some poise for the damn photo they always take at the end".

July 3rd (still in HK): I dreamt that my cousin (who's also my BFF) was with me in HK and I told her I needed to take an EPT. So I did and the darn stick came out positive. And next thing I know, there's a huge picture of the BFP stick on the side of the truck for one and all to see. Nice dream.

July 11th: Back in Manila. Feeling all premenstrual and wanting to get AF out of the way, I remembered how she likes to arrive mere hours after I take an EPT. So I took one. Waited for my pee to bleed through the strip - negative. I washed my hands and glanced at the stick again like 60 seconds later. This time it had a faint, faint but oh-so-visible second line. I examined the darn thing till I got crossed eyed. DH wasn't home and I was about to burst with excitement/anxiety at this development but I managed to text my OB. She said it was most likely indicative of a very early pregnancy and I should come in for an u/s the next day.

July 12th: U/s showed a corpus luteum on my left ovary (the super polycystic one! the Av.andia must've worked!), a very thick uterine lining and NOTHING ELSE. Dr. T said, "It's either very, very early or..." "Or I'm about to get my period, right?", I finished for her. Yes, that was possible, she had to admit. But she ordered an HCG blood test and me to come back in a week for another u/s.

July 13th: DH's birthday. We want to tell the world at his party (and the sneaky bugger DID tell SOME of his friends that night!) but we don't make a big deal out of it. Friends were asking me why I wasn't drinking. Said alcohol was incompatible with my fertility meds - not a lie.

July 18th: HCG results come in. I was at 600+. Very good sign but Dr. T wants me to wait till Monday - 10 days from the last u/s - before I come in for another one.

July 23rd: U/s shows a sac and fetal structure at 6wks plus. NO HEARTBEAT. Don't worry they said, that's perfectly normal at this stage. I'm like, "So I just come back in a few days?" Reply, "Uh no, let's wait two weeks to be sure". TWO WEEKS?? Were these people insane?? Do they know what it's like to wait in uncertainty?? Ugh! Decided to tell my folks and my brother but not Tarb. Explained the situation. Told them to TRY to not get too excited. Oh, but DH told Tarb while I was at work, "I think Mommy's pregnant. You better just pray extra hard now ok?" (Never ever tell this man your secrets!!)

July 24th - August 5th: My body plays tricks on me. One day totally nauseous, the next just fine. My mind joins in the fun and asks, "Are my HCG levels rising? How come I feel ok? Oh, they must be rising, I'm such a lazy slob... But you're always lazy and oversleeping..."

August 6th: Day of u/s #3! Good news! Finally! The real deal! It measured 7wks4days. Cardiac rate: 154 beats per minute. DH cheers out loud, asks Dr. T if it's OK to tell people now and LEAVES THE ROOM to make phone calls while I'm still stirupped and being wanded on the table! I forgave him.



And that's how I came to find out and confirm that I was pregnant.

I can't put into words how I feel. I was and am still elated but I know I'm still somehow cautious despite all the excitement and hope I have. I only told members of our extended family first and a very few close friends. It's also taken me a while to blog about it. I guess, I'm taking it all in and just trying to live with a sort of controlled excitement. I feel like, I waited quite I while for this - is it for real? I was so lucky in my pregnancy with Tarb - no complications. Will I be as fortunate this time? When I found out I was pregnant with Tarb, I text messaged practically every number on my phone!!

Oh and Tarb was the sweetest. We sat her down and told her the news soon as we got home from the u/s. We asked her, "what is the thing you most want in the world?" "A fairy pen and a fairy notebook!" "No", we said, "even more than that!" "A SHINY, PINK fairy pen and notebook!" So DH just came out with it and Tarb all wide-eyed, flashed the biggest smile and said, "Oh I will burp it!"

Since then, she's keeps examining my belly button and trying to see inside. She also asks why my stomach isn't big yet. Then one morning, she woke up, climbed into our bed as I was still sleeping and with out trying to wake me up, lifted my nightie and kissed my belly. Love her!

I get the feeling that Dr. T is being very careful with this pregnancy. For one thing, she put me on progesterone for the next few weeks. She said this was because I was on Av.andia which I now had to stop since we confirmed a viable fetus BUT stopping it suddenly could create a hormone imbalance so I need the progesterone 3x daily. She also told me to stop the gym for now. The most high impact I can go is swimming which I hate and never do as exercise. With Tarb, there were no hormone supplements and the only thing stopping me from going to the gym was laziness.

So that's me for now. I just want to thank all of you for all the supportive things you've posted on here the past few months. So many of my prayers have been answered this year. I feel truly blessed. And I'm thinking of you guys - Adrienne and SaraS-P who are pretty much where I am. But most of all Baby Blues who is hanging in there in spite of all the doubts and uncertainty hounding her at this time. If you haven't already, send her all your love.

Thanks for everything, ladies. I'll be reading your blogs and updating you...