I was just thinking about what I wrote in my last post.
As a not-so-devout Catholic and reader of Kabbalist teachings, I admit that I tend to believe that the reason I haven't conceived a 2nd child yet is because God/The Universe/The Light does not see another child as necessary to my journey and the lessons I need to learn in life at this time.
That's great when I'm feeling kinda Zen like now, but when I'm thinking about just how great it would be to be pregnant again, such thoughts do little to console me. It's easy to slide down that slippery slope and start asking why God doesn't think you deserve to be a parent twice over. I look at some moms and think to myself, "I'm a way better parent than that chick...She never reads to her kids!...I keep my kid cleaner and smelling better than THAT (my Tarb smells like an angel even when she's sweaty)...that woman has toddlers at home and she's partying out with guys that aren't her husband??"
There are many blessings that have come so easily in my life - fabulous parents and family, my career, material comforts - but I often flagellate myself by wishing the blessings of others on myself. OK, that's a wordy euphemism for BEING ENVIOUS. I swear, when I'm in the zone I can envy ANYONE and ANYTHING. Now how tiring is that? Thankfully, very. And I snap out of it eventually.
I just never thought that baby envy could get this manic.
So when my energy's not so negative, I go back to my Tarb and she says, Let me hug you. You're my best mommy in the world. Sigh.