Friday, February 23, 2007

Just Thinking

I was just thinking about what I wrote in my last post.

As a not-so-devout Catholic and reader of Kabbalist teachings, I admit that I tend to believe that the reason I haven't conceived a 2nd child yet is because God/The Universe/The Light does not see another child as necessary to my journey and the lessons I need to learn in life at this time.

That's great when I'm feeling kinda Zen like now, but when I'm thinking about just how great it would be to be pregnant again, such thoughts do little to console me. It's easy to slide down that slippery slope and start asking why God doesn't think you deserve to be a parent twice over. I look at some moms and think to myself, "I'm a way better parent than that chick...She never reads to her kids!...I keep my kid cleaner and smelling better than THAT (my Tarb smells like an angel even when she's sweaty)...that woman has toddlers at home and she's partying out with guys that aren't her husband??"

There are many blessings that have come so easily in my life - fabulous parents and family, my career, material comforts - but I often flagellate myself by wishing the blessings of others on myself. OK, that's a wordy euphemism for BEING ENVIOUS. I swear, when I'm in the zone I can envy ANYONE and ANYTHING. Now how tiring is that? Thankfully, very. And I snap out of it eventually.

I just never thought that baby envy could get this manic.

So when my energy's not so negative, I go back to my Tarb and she says, Let me hug you. You're my best mommy in the world. Sigh.


Baby Blues said...

I've been meaning to comment on this post. Baby envy could be disheartening! Tell me about it, I actually feel my heart getting crushed whenever I see an adorable baby.
Growing up Catholic is a bit conflicting too. I've had Opus Dei people come up to me saying "Just pray. It will come. Just don't resort to ART." I'm sorry but I HAVE to do something. I believe "we do our best, and He does the rest."
I have given up trying to rationalize why I'm not pregnant yet. It's not as simple as "you do good, you get your reward". How do you explain the many abused, abandoned and unwanted children. I could go on and on with questions I know will never be answered, and thoughts that often haunt me. But for now I'll just continue to pray and hang on to hope and faith.

RTTguapa said...

oh oh oh!
i've been meaning to tell you about something i learned in kabbalah - it's actually quite funny but i think that it could hold some truth.

when you are copulating, the souls in heaven are looking down on you and your partner and are "reading" your thoughts and emotions. it is precisely at this time that they decide whether or not they want to come down and be born to you. so technically, it's not that "God decides" but the souls - just like one earth - have the free will to choose.

i just thought it was hilarious when i read it, because it also says that you should be thinking of your partner and your love for him etc. etc.

i'm like, i'm thinking of ALL KINDS OF THINGS but it's not often about my undying love for LT etc etc. hahaha!

ok, before you start thinking i'm waaay to quirky, i'll end this reply!

Baby Blues said...

Oh man, all I can think is to cheer "Swim little swimmers! Swim!" :-)