Wednesday, February 21, 2007

When The Second Time Ain't A Charm

"Infertility does not mean we are selfish or ungrateful. Infertility isn't punishment for finishing college, or having a good career. It doesn't mean we want it all. With secondary infertility it doesn't mean we aren't grateful for the children we do have. We want what many, many people take for granted, the ability to have children when you decide you are ready ... We just want the family we imagined having".

Here's something I read on another mom's blog and it really struck a cord with me. Finally, someone who gets it.

I've been very open about my efforts in trying to have a second child. Me shy? Hell, no I'll talk about it to whoever cares to listen when I'm in the mood. The reactions I get vary: Well, you've had one already, I'm sure you'll have another one in time. Then there's: But you should be thankful that you already have ONE. And the most common: The both of you are probably just so stressed from work - take a vacation.

For the women who get pregnant by so much as a sneeze from the opposite sex and friends who've spent years focusing on NOT getting knocked up, yes, these might seem like helpful and sympathetic comments. But for anyone who has done even minimal research, secondary infertility is a REAL problem - not something conjured up in the minds of busy, educated yuppies. (And I'm not even sure if I fit in that demographic). People who have babies with little effort - from the rich Opus Dei baby making machines to the urban poor house wives - just don't get it. They might as well tell a starving child in Darfur that dinner at the Four Seasons is overrated.

I have not undergone extensive procedures to find out exactly why baby #2 refuses to come into existence, but I know that I have one polycystic ovary (the left is a lemon) and that my husband has an ok-but-boderline-sperm count. Clomid for moi and Proviron for him are the treatments we've been using. I'm one unsuccessful Clomid cycle away from seeing a specialist.

There is a huge emotional toll that comes with not getting pregnant when you feel you're good and ready. And the hormone imbalance only makes this exponentially worse. (This will have to be written about more extensively on another post!) The pills, ovulation piss sticks and scheduled sex are not the most ideal elements for a fun tryst but they're part of the deal. Fine.

MY issue is not being able to create the family that I want - the kind you picture yourself having, the kind you honestly believe you deserve . (Enter the voices of the "concerned" friends and relatives: It's just not meant for you yet). Yah, ok screw you - that's like me saying, you should cut your three youngest children out of your life. Am I selfish for wanting to multiply the joy that my daughter has brought into my life and all those around her? I sound like a petulant child and at this point in my cycle I won't apologize for it.

This venting is thoroughly incongruous with my faith and spiritual beliefs. But there's no room here at this moment to wax philospohical about all this because infertility is what it is. Painful. Degrading. Frustrating. And in the darkest days, very lonely.


Mr. Kite said...

Hey, cousin:

Thanks for dropping by my blog. I'll be sure to drop by yours once in a while to say "hi" and all that. Well, what can I say? I fully understand and agree with how you feel about IF. Hey, we should know, right? Except that it doesn't have to be "lonely". Remember, you've got LT and little RTT with you in this...and should you seek "safety in numbers", hook up with Baby Blues' bloggers on the subject. Take it from us, they're an amazing support group.

Hope to see and hear from you soon.

Baby Blues said...

I'm kinda wary in placing a comment here, knowing that the whole family will find my blog. But hey, I'm out in the open right. So there!

I'll be placing you on "The Second Boat". You should check out Smarshy's blog, he is just hilarious! He's the only male perspective blog on secondary infertility out there. And everyone LOVES him.

Thanks RTTguapa. I agree with Mr. Kite, we have an amazing support group and they helped me a great deal while we were still in the closet suffocating. They are courageously brave, caring, reassuring and encouraging. Truly inspiring.

Hope to hear read more posts soon.

SaraS-P said...

So many people just don't get it. My "secondary" IF is a little different because I didn't actually get a first child (I had a miscarriage after getting pregnant quite easily, then a year later, huh, no next pregnancy), but I do get lots of well-intentioned but ill-advised comments ("If you got pregnant once, there's no reason it won't happen again if you just have faith.").

The good news is that bloggers rarely say things like that in their comments. With time, you amass a support group of people who have had similar experiences and "get" it.

Welcome to Blogland!

Sarah said...

welcome to the blogosphere. i have to admit that i didn't really "get" secondary infertility even after i'd been dealing with my own IF for a couple of years. i knew better than to ever say it, but i did sort of feel like: well at least you have one.

it wasn't until i started hearing from others dealing with 2ndary IF in the online support community that i began to understand. i think everything we IFers put out there, from whatever perspective we all come from, goes a long way toward benefitting the entire community. so thanks for sharing your perspective. and best wishes for a SHORT journey.

Buchiko said...

Hi there! It's such a relief to vent out your frustrations to an understanding crowd (for once!) so feel free to do so anytime you need it. You'll find a whole new world out here, a place where people actually know what you're feeling. Welcome!

Samantha said...

Just a primary IFer, but you really struck a chord with your comment about people saying, "Oh well, it's just not meant to be." WTF? Do people really think that's supposed to be helpful?

My own mother, bless her heart, has said that to me after I had a chemical pregnancy following IVF#2. Gee thanks mom!

RTTguapa said...

baby blues!
no one knows bout my blog except SIL no. 1 and BIL and wifey.
LT doesn't even know about it. he sooo doesn't get the blog thing. his exact words were "who reads that shit anyway".
so i'm not exactly in the mood to share it.
thanks for passing by.

RTTguapa said...

And thank you everyone for clicking on me and
leaving comments.
Mr. Kite is right - it doesn't have to be lonely.

Baby Blues said...

That's a relief. :-)

Max's said...

Secondary IF'er here, and let me just say thanks for saying what needs to be said. We should be able to create the family we dreamed of creating - and there's nothing selfish about that.

I just wish it didn't have to involve Clomid and peesticks and scheduled sex and blood draws and IVF and PGD and needles and...all that. But that's just me. A big whiner.

Irene said...

I really hope and want to have another child soon, too. =)