"Infertility does not mean we are selfish or ungrateful. Infertility isn't punishment for finishing college, or having a good career. It doesn't mean we want it all. With secondary infertility it doesn't mean we aren't grateful for the children we do have. We want what many, many people take for granted, the ability to have children when you decide you are ready ... We just want the family we imagined having".
Here's something I read on another mom's blog and it really struck a cord with me. Finally, someone who gets it.
I've been very open about my efforts in trying to have a second child. Me shy? Hell, no I'll talk about it to whoever cares to listen when I'm in the mood. The reactions I get vary: Well, you've had one already, I'm sure you'll have another one in time. Then there's: But you should be thankful that you already have ONE. And the most common: The both of you are probably just so stressed from work - take a vacation.
For the women who get pregnant by so much as a sneeze from the opposite sex and friends who've spent years focusing on NOT getting knocked up, yes, these might seem like helpful and sympathetic comments. But for anyone who has done even minimal research, secondary infertility is a REAL problem - not something conjured up in the minds of busy, educated yuppies. (And I'm not even sure if I fit in that demographic). People who have babies with little effort - from the rich Opus Dei baby making machines to the urban poor house wives - just don't get it. They might as well tell a starving child in Darfur that dinner at the Four Seasons is overrated.
I have not undergone extensive procedures to find out exactly why baby #2 refuses to come into existence, but I know that I have one polycystic ovary (the left is a lemon) and that my husband has an ok-but-boderline-sperm count. Clomid for moi and Proviron for him are the treatments we've been using. I'm one unsuccessful Clomid cycle away from seeing a specialist.
There is a huge emotional toll that comes with not getting pregnant when you feel you're good and ready. And the hormone imbalance only makes this exponentially worse. (This will have to be written about more extensively on another post!) The pills, ovulation piss sticks and scheduled sex are not the most ideal elements for a fun tryst but they're part of the deal. Fine.
MY issue is not being able to create the family that I want - the kind you picture yourself having, the kind you honestly believe you deserve . (Enter the voices of the "concerned" friends and relatives: It's just not meant for you yet). Yah, ok screw you - that's like me saying, you should cut your three youngest children out of your life. Am I selfish for wanting to multiply the joy that my daughter has brought into my life and all those around her? I sound like a petulant child and at this point in my cycle I won't apologize for it.
This venting is thoroughly incongruous with my faith and spiritual beliefs. But there's no room here at this moment to wax philospohical about all this because infertility is what it is. Painful. Degrading. Frustrating. And in the darkest days, very lonely.