My Sick Mind

So I was in a department store today. My mission: to buy a gift for DH's one year old god son. I decided on a Thom.as Train or two and was told my the sales guy that I'd have to wait about twenty minutes for the trains to get wrapped as there was a line. No problem, I said and began to just leisurely wander around. Initially, I was looking for gift ideas for Tarb who turns four in less than a month.

But my feet/brain/soul/desire/hopes soon took me to the infants' department. And I began to fantasize... What would I pick out for my son-to-be's baby registry? I liked the "Got Milk?" burp cloths, the blue puppy receiving blankets, the teddy bear and sailboat nighties, the En.fant baby hats with ears, the towels with "Champ" embroidered on them... But then, it soon hit me that I wasn't fantasizing - no, not I of the "trying hard to keep it real and disappointment free" world of the facts-only of the Momcaster.

I was going around there really picking out stuff that I was/am SURE I'll be needing again someday. I was meandering through the aisles, seriously making a mental note of what baby stuff of Tarb's is still in tact, what I'd need to replace and what I'd need to buy brand new. (Mostly clothes because Tarb doesn't have any unisex clothes beyond newborn tie-side kimono tops). It was fun and yet it felt like i was running an errand, doing a chore... I mean, what kind of mother doesn't plan for these things, right? This was something that had to be done!

Then just as my eyes were getting their fill of cool, new baby stuff, they caught sight of a woman in pink, rubbing her ginormous, round belly. And it wasn't like I felt bad after that. My thoughts were more like, "well, she's just going to need all this stuff ahead of me".

I don't know where this strange sense of certainty is coming from. I'm feeling like this - Tarb #2 - is JUST going to HAPPEN. I know that some of you are shaking your heads as you watch/read me barf up all this sunshine but it's what I feel in my gut right now.

Is this certainty is a jedi mind trick I'm playing on myself so I won't feel so bad with the possible failure of I.UI #1 in a month or so...? My rational mind is telling me it is. But if my mind were so rational, why would it even allow me to engage in purposeful fantasy baby registry? Maybe the rational mind is just a sick one with an even sicker sense of humor.

Picture Page Requests

Here are MOST of the requests I got for The Picture Page Project...



This is my favorite spot in the house. It's where we hang out to relax and talk and entertain visitors.



This is the front door...



This is Tarb's playroom - starring a bit of her lunch in the corner there...



This is one of my fave t-shirts because it reads "too many freaks, not enough circuses". I got it in a children's clothing store which Tarb and I love. We sometimes get matching tops from there since I fit in their size 16 or 18. Love it!



This is the "something old" that Baby Blues asked for. It's a cologne atomizer I've had at least since I was nine. It's been dropped several times and it's still alive!!



I'm counting this as "new" because it's one of the books I bought on my last trip to my fave bookstore. I'm a history nerd so this book is fun. Not too heavy a read.



Had trouble taking a decent picture of these... earrings I borrowed from my mom.



Something blue... my night cream jar haha ;p The actual cream is white, however.

There ya have it - my Picture Page. Thanks again to Reproductive Jeans for the idea. Had fun doing this post!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEE!!!

Yep - that's how old I turned at 0956 local time today. I don't have major issues about entering my 30's... ok, maybe I'm lying but I think maybe I'm just overthinking the whole 30's bit.

I had a great dinner at home with famliy last night. It's just nice being around the people you'd choose to be with in a nuclear bomb shelter. I felt very thankful to have them around. And making sure that everyone was eating well was a good distraction from thinking about leaving my 20's. But they still crept in as I lay in bed last night.

My thoughts:

- I never envisioned my life beyond my 20s. As a small kid, I wanted to be a big kid. As a big kid, I wanted to be a teenager. As a teenager, I wanted to be a 20-something. And that's it!

- I am exactly the age my dad and favorite aunt were when I was born. I don't feel anywhere near as "grown up" as the adults seemed when I was a kid.

- Even if I have a lot of crappy responsibilities to remind me that I AM a grown up, I don't feel grown up. Then again, being an adult sucks in so many ways, there's a part of me that wants to stay young... I know, too late.

- It is time to move out of my parents' house.

- I always thought I'd be done having all the kids I wanted by the time I was 30. (I married at 24...)

- Where the hell does the time go?

- What if there's nothing fun and exciting to discover anymore?

So there...

In spite of all my little anxieties, I'm not really panicking about having to leave my 20's behind. Getting a bit sentimental maybe. All my friends swear, turning 30 is the best thing that could possible happen to a girl. I believe that to be true. DH and I were out one night last week and the place we were at was dripping with these painfully self-conscious 20 somethings. They were wearing what they perhaps thought were trendy outfits but they looked so uncomfortable in them - and in their own skin. I definitely wouldn't want to stay at THAT stage of my life.

So with a bittersweet kiss I bid my 20s farewell. I'm thankful for all the incredible blessings in my life. And (with a hefty push), I look forward to what the 30s may hold. Happy Birthday to meeeeee!!!

Anxiety Attack

My IUI is still about a month away but I was just thinking...
How will I know they won't mix up my husband's sperm sample with anyone else's??
Seiously! Can you follow the lab guy to the lab and "guard" your potential babies till the sperm wash/centrifuge thingy is over??
Or do you just leave this is in the hands of the good people in the clinic/hospital who "never" make mistakes??
I'd love to hear from those of you who've done this before...

PS I promise to post the pics requested for my Picture Page next week.

IUI #1 Here We Come

So here we are...

I saw my RE on Tuesday and I told her all about the nasty stuff I experienced with Met and that I needed an ART detour. I didn't think she was going to put us on the IF Highway so soon. She's putting me on the lowest dose of Avan.dia which she claims doesn't have nasty ass side effects like Met. If I can function normally on that, then I go on injectibles, do the whole monitoring bit, DH will spill his seed in a cup, the best swimmers will be chosen and shot up my uterus with that freaky looking thing above.

BUT we need to wait awhile. DH is too busy with work to be on standby for IUI so we're looking at July when his schedule will allow him to be at my beck and call. (She said that inspite of DH's high sperm count in the last analysis, his liquefaction problem is well... a problem. And since he's had a history of having a low sperm count, she can't take his good numbers for granted).

I was surprised by how I felt about being told that we are now considered candidates for IUI. We conceived a beautiful, healthy child (with an APGAR score of 10, I'm proud to say) with no intervention after just nine months of unprotected sex. Just having fun, I like to say.

I always believed that we'd pop a pill or two and in no time have another Tarb. But here was the RE saying that I could have developed polycystic-ness on my right ovary after my pregnancy. (Before my pregnancy it appeared that only my left was polycystic). Then, to scare me even more she said that PCOS is not just a problem in conception but also in pregnancy because you are not releasing the right mix of hormones to encourage and maintain implantation. My pregnancy went without a single hitch. I can't imagine carrying with complications! Unimaginable. I was working till the day Tarb was born. No problem!

I'm excited about taking a more aggressive step but at the same time, I'm in some kind of shock because I never imagined I'd get this far in ART. Sure, IUI is chicken feed compared to IVF but as I said, I never thought I'd have to do this. And the fear of disappointment greater than ever before, because I know my hopes and expectations will be higher. I feel like it's all happening so fast but then again, it HAS BEEN TWO YEARS of TTC.