My Sick Mind

So I was in a department store today. My mission: to buy a gift for DH's one year old god son. I decided on a Thom.as Train or two and was told my the sales guy that I'd have to wait about twenty minutes for the trains to get wrapped as there was a line. No problem, I said and began to just leisurely wander around. Initially, I was looking for gift ideas for Tarb who turns four in less than a month.

But my feet/brain/soul/desire/hopes soon took me to the infants' department. And I began to fantasize... What would I pick out for my son-to-be's baby registry? I liked the "Got Milk?" burp cloths, the blue puppy receiving blankets, the teddy bear and sailboat nighties, the En.fant baby hats with ears, the towels with "Champ" embroidered on them... But then, it soon hit me that I wasn't fantasizing - no, not I of the "trying hard to keep it real and disappointment free" world of the facts-only of the Momcaster.

I was going around there really picking out stuff that I was/am SURE I'll be needing again someday. I was meandering through the aisles, seriously making a mental note of what baby stuff of Tarb's is still in tact, what I'd need to replace and what I'd need to buy brand new. (Mostly clothes because Tarb doesn't have any unisex clothes beyond newborn tie-side kimono tops). It was fun and yet it felt like i was running an errand, doing a chore... I mean, what kind of mother doesn't plan for these things, right? This was something that had to be done!

Then just as my eyes were getting their fill of cool, new baby stuff, they caught sight of a woman in pink, rubbing her ginormous, round belly. And it wasn't like I felt bad after that. My thoughts were more like, "well, she's just going to need all this stuff ahead of me".

I don't know where this strange sense of certainty is coming from. I'm feeling like this - Tarb #2 - is JUST going to HAPPEN. I know that some of you are shaking your heads as you watch/read me barf up all this sunshine but it's what I feel in my gut right now.

Is this certainty is a jedi mind trick I'm playing on myself so I won't feel so bad with the possible failure of I.UI #1 in a month or so...? My rational mind is telling me it is. But if my mind were so rational, why would it even allow me to engage in purposeful fantasy baby registry? Maybe the rational mind is just a sick one with an even sicker sense of humor.

Anxiety Attack

My IUI is still about a month away but I was just thinking...
How will I know they won't mix up my husband's sperm sample with anyone else's??
Seiously! Can you follow the lab guy to the lab and "guard" your potential babies till the sperm wash/centrifuge thingy is over??
Or do you just leave this is in the hands of the good people in the clinic/hospital who "never" make mistakes??
I'd love to hear from those of you who've done this before...

PS I promise to post the pics requested for my Picture Page next week.

IUI #1 Here We Come

So here we are...

I saw my RE on Tuesday and I told her all about the nasty stuff I experienced with Met and that I needed an ART detour. I didn't think she was going to put us on the IF Highway so soon. She's putting me on the lowest dose of Avan.dia which she claims doesn't have nasty ass side effects like Met. If I can function normally on that, then I go on injectibles, do the whole monitoring bit, DH will spill his seed in a cup, the best swimmers will be chosen and shot up my uterus with that freaky looking thing above.

BUT we need to wait awhile. DH is too busy with work to be on standby for IUI so we're looking at July when his schedule will allow him to be at my beck and call. (She said that inspite of DH's high sperm count in the last analysis, his liquefaction problem is well... a problem. And since he's had a history of having a low sperm count, she can't take his good numbers for granted).

I was surprised by how I felt about being told that we are now considered candidates for IUI. We conceived a beautiful, healthy child (with an APGAR score of 10, I'm proud to say) with no intervention after just nine months of unprotected sex. Just having fun, I like to say.

I always believed that we'd pop a pill or two and in no time have another Tarb. But here was the RE saying that I could have developed polycystic-ness on my right ovary after my pregnancy. (Before my pregnancy it appeared that only my left was polycystic). Then, to scare me even more she said that PCOS is not just a problem in conception but also in pregnancy because you are not releasing the right mix of hormones to encourage and maintain implantation. My pregnancy went without a single hitch. I can't imagine carrying with complications! Unimaginable. I was working till the day Tarb was born. No problem!

I'm excited about taking a more aggressive step but at the same time, I'm in some kind of shock because I never imagined I'd get this far in ART. Sure, IUI is chicken feed compared to IVF but as I said, I never thought I'd have to do this. And the fear of disappointment greater than ever before, because I know my hopes and expectations will be higher. I feel like it's all happening so fast but then again, it HAS BEEN TWO YEARS of TTC.

Detour

So here's a less than savory update. Please be sure you are not eating when reading this.

I have a ye.ast in.fection. It is the third one this year!!! The first one was in January - easily explained by nuclear strength antibiotics I was taking. Then there was one in March. And now this.

So I went to see my regular OB-GYN, Dr. T, and we had a nice chat (love her!) and she figures that it's the Met that's causing me problems. With having the runs on and off, my immune system is weakened and the area down there more exposed to whatever. She did an IE and said it was pretty bad but just in case I got pregnant this cycle (yah right!) she's not putting me on oral meds. Instead it's suppositories for a week. Oh joy.

Then we talked some more and she said that taking the Met once a day - something I barely even managed to do because of the nasty side effects - won't help my ovaries any. So she told me to head of back to my RE, Dr. L, and ask for some other route to fertility.

I asked her why my ovary is still polycystic if my LH, FSH and testosterone levels all meaured within the normal range. She said the tests were good in that my polycystic-ness is not affecting my other hormones. BUT (and we all knew that was coming), polycystic ovaries are an estrogen-progesterone problem. So lil' ol' scientific me with nothing but a pre-med degree under my belt, asked can't they just give me the estrogen and progesterone? She smiled - in way that was not condescending at all - and explained, it just doesn't work that way.

My next question is: THEN, HOW THE HELL DOES IT WORK??!!

I hope Dr. L answers that when I see her in a week or two. In the meantime, suppositories, please.

Weekend Waves

We spent the weekend at Su.bic B.ay - the former US navy base just a few hours drive from Manila. This picture was taken from the Y.acht C.lub poolside. Don't be fooled by the overcast skies. It was daaaamn HOT over there. The Tarb had fun which is pretty much all the matters. (The foot at the lower left corner of the photo is my cousin's - the SIL of Baby Blues - just in case you were wondering). I wanted to use a pic of the Tarb in the goggles and floaties but DH'd kill me.

This is my "fertile" weekend - at least according to the textbooks. I have not lived up to my promise of taking Met regularly. Go ahead, call me a pussy! But still I think I might actually be ovulating. I've got little pangs of pain in my lower abdomen - good! My boobs kinda of a sort of a hurt - ohhhhk. But I haven't noticed any great changes in CM - not so good.

It's near impossible to be accurately atuned to your body when you're trying so hard to look for or feel something! It's almost as bad as second guessing everything you're feeling after a 2ww.

My last post had me spewing sunshine all over my dear readers. And my mood now is not a drastic departure from that. In fact, I hardly thought about being in the IF rut while we were in Su.bic - and to think it was my first fertile day on Friday. I was just like, "I'm ready for action" and didn't dwell on "O God was that the one that's going to do it??".

But then I realized the pain of IF comes in waves. Last night after watching a movie I was thinking about how some newlyweds I know will be getting knocked up sooner rather than later and how that might make me feel - even if it were their first pregnancy. And thinking that way surprised me because just last week I learned of some new pregnancies (just acquaintances on their 2nd or 3rd Tarbs) and I felt fine about it.

Also last week, my dear friend K (married six years, TTC for 5) just found out that her tubes are almost completely blocked. It's not the end of the road of course, she still has options like surgery and IVF or both. But the bad news made me think. Am I wasting my time? maybe I should have MY tubes checked. (But my RE says my tubes'd be the last thing she'd check because I already have a kid and I haven't - as far as we know - suffered any infections). When I told DH about K and their likely next step to IVF, he was all like, so why don't we just do THAT? He's funny sometimes. I wish he'd read up on IF more!

So that's me for now. Partly optimistic, partly worried and hoping like mad.

CD7, Baby!

AF arrived on Monday. Gotta love her! She's a scientific explanation for bitchyness and she makes your boobs nice and "fluffy" for a few days.

Forty days for an unassisted cycle is not bad - certainly not for moi who's been known to go all the way to oh... CD90!

I've told myself, I'm really gonna make my peace with Met.form.in. Just bite the bullet. Go through a few days of hell to get used to it and seriously get on the road to more productive ovaries. What's a few wretched days of toilet-bowl-breaking loose bowels for another baby after all, right? Pray for me! I keep telling myself, start the Met tomorrow... then I conveniently forget and then say, oh tomorrow and before you know it I'm singing the chorus like little orphan Annie. I'm going to do this. I HAVE to!

Aside from taking the Met (starting tomorrow...) this is the plan. CD12 will be on Friday so I need to be getting all randy and frisky next weekend. Sometimes the thought is "oh, that'll be fun... i think". But most of the time it's "oh crap, scheduled sex... pressure... how can we do it like we're doing it for fun?" Perhaps the most comforting thought is "at least it's on the weekend". Whatever... I'm not sure how I feel about it. Kinda excited, kinda not, kinda hoping he doesn't do anything to piss me off next weekend, kinda hoping I'm not hormonal and moody then.

I'm actually feeling very positive about IF - for the moment. I'm in one of those We Can Do It On Our Own frames of mind. We did it on our own once, we can do it again! Nothing is impossible! Miracles happen! Just do it! You miss 100% of the shots you don't take! Believe! It'll happen when the time is right! Never say never! Please, add to my cliches! For some strange reason they've really been working for me the past few days. Seriously! I am dispensing (Infertility Brand) sunshine - and it's for free. I don't do it often so here... catch!

The 2nd International Infertility Film Festival

Bea of Infertile Fantasies is doing it again!
After the first - not to mention very successful - 1st International Film Festival, she's sprucing up the second with a new logo (not the one shown here) and hopefully (with your help) even more entries.
If you've never heard of the festival, you can draw inspiration from entries of the first one.
And update yourself on the 2nd here.

Great job, Bea! Looking forward to it!

CD37, Baby!

I haven't been writing because there really isn't that much to to write about. AF is missing in action. I'm on CD 37! Technically this cycle was unmedicated because I was NOT taking Met regularly due it's nasty ass side effects. So lord only knows when the old bitch will show up again. I'm kind of in a bad mood so hopefully that means she'll be here real soon.

As for the Met taking, I've been pretty good. Good in my case means, I've been handling it every other day. I'll keep doing that for the next few days and hopefully by next week will muster the courage to take one everyday.

I'm a wee bit peeved today because I was sooo looking forward to having the morning all to MYSELF. DH has work all day and Tarb was supposed to take a day-long sojourn in the countryside with her grandmother but that is NOT pushing through. I wanted to surf and blog away before going to work myself but nooooooo.

Anyway, I'm rather looking forward to the traffic I expect to encounter on the way to work. I've learned to make my time in the car my alone time. Unfortunately, I can't blog from there. Heck, I don't even have a bloody laptop.

So enough bitching from moi. I hope to be back in a slightly more cheerful mood.

In the meantime, please visit Snickollet. I read her blog for the first time just yesterday thanks to Max's Mom. Snickollet has suffered a horribly tragic loss. I can't imagine any words can console her now but do leave her a message anyway.

Exactly A Month

It's been exactly a month since AF last visited. It's not like I was expecting her TODAY since she never comes on time anyway. But I am totally symptom-less. I don't even have her advanced party of lower back pain or minor cramps. I guess it's my fault because I haven't been taking the Met that I should. It's was a holiday here last week starting Thursday - it would have been the perfect time to take it... but I didn't. Honestly, aside from living in fear of taking the God awful stuff, on many occasions I just forgot.

Anyway, this leads me to ask again, if my LSH, FH and testosterone levels were all normal and DH's last SA was looking pretty good, why the hell am I not pregnant and why the hell am I not even ovulating?? I stupidly forgot to ask RE, Jr. that during the last consult.

So let's just make a deal AF, you come over asap and I SWEAR I will start taking the Met regularly to (hopefully!) keep you away for a good nine months.

Noom-nee-noom-nee-noom, I twiddle my fingers while waiting for an unwanted visitor. This is like starring in Groundhog Day.

How To Deal

Over the past few days, I haven't really felt the sting or the heartbreak that IF can often send my way. And to think several fertiles have hinted that they're up for having their second kid - and I just know that they'll get knocked up before me.

Instead, what I was thinking was

1) What if I just tell people that I only want one Tarb my whole life? That way, no one will have to know about the frustration I feel - the frustration that no one seems to understand anyway because the Tarb is already that light of my life and I "should be happy that I already have one". And if I tell them I'm not trying, they won't know that I'm failing and I won't have to feel like an incompetent loser among fertiles.

But after a few minutes of reflection, I realized this would never work because I've shouted to the four winds just how badly I want another Tarb and detailed just how hard I'm trying.

2) And this really makes more sense. I just would like God to tell me if he's ever going to give me another Tarb or not. If yes, ok I'll wait but could he tell me if I should bother with treatments? And if no, boo-fucking-hoo, bawl my eyes out for a few years and then (I think) I could be ok with that. KNOWING that I'll never have another one will kill a part of my soul but a lot of me would come to life again since I wouldn't have to deal with so much wondering and disappointment. And I could free up tons of storage space instead of hanging on to Tarb's baby stuff, hoping against hope that I'll need them again soon.

Just say the word, man! I mean, God...

I need an Easter prayer...

Fluffy Boobs

I'm feeling the pre-AF bloat. That, with a "plugged up" GI and a ridiculously huge full moon is not pleasant. I haven't taken Met in a few days... maybe I should. But honestly, I think that's what brought about my plugged up-ness. My tummy rumbles but I'm not egesting as completely as I'd like. So sorry to share that.

As I said in the last post, based on my one-time experience, if you're pregnant, your boobs become what I can only describe as "fluffy". They become very swollen and assume a gravity-defying quality. They're heavy, yet look light and airy. Light like fluffy, beaten egg whites. And as for fondling, forget it. Pregnant breasts are "you even just poke and I'll kill you" breasts.

Obviously, the current state of my breasts are nothing like those mentioned above. So I'm waiting patiently for AF. Actually she's not due till next week - and being the fickle little bugger that she is, she might change her mind and leave me in cycle limbo for quite a while longer.

I seriously need to make friends with Met soon. Looking at the BOX that I bought, the box that remains full, makes me wanna puke. Thursday and Friday are holidays here - I guess I should take advantage and pop some then.

Some Real Gems

Had dinner with some extended family members last night. And they came up with some real gems about how to get over the failure to produce Tarb #2. Some lines are old and worn out, others more amusing. I didn't get upset with them. They all truly meant well and I love them for it. But as they were talking, I smiled, nodded and allowed myself a nice long, mental sigh.

Here's what they came up with:

- You should relax.

- Don't try so hard.

- Just don't think about it and you'll get pregnant.

- You need to take a vacation where it's quiet and the air is clean.

- Well, you should be thankful with the one that you have.

- How did you manage to have Tarb then?

- I have a really strong novena you can pray. It really works they say.

- If your grandmother were alive, she'd tell you not to torture yourself taking all that medication.

- Both of you should just eat durian. (That's an "exotic" tropical fruit, hard and spikey on the outside, creamy and extremely pungent on the inside. Good thing I actually like it). So and so didn't have kids for the longest time, when she and her husband started eating the stuff, they had five kids in a row.

- It will come.

- God's spacing it out so Tarb can enjoy her time as the apple of everyone's eye.

If there's one thing I hate hearing, it's the "you should be thankful for the one that you have". Is there anyone who knows me that actually thinks I take my daughter FOR GRANTED?? That I'm so unimpressed with the person she is that I just want another Tarb because it's like I'm trying to complete a tea set? I guess they meant, you've already been blessed... Thank you, like I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

Moving on...
I'm on CD 25 and feel nothing that even hints at a pregnancy. Had some back pain while riding the car yesterday. That's like AF sending you a letter to say she'll be over in the next week or so. Then, there were bouts of pain/cramps where I imagine my ovaries to be. There's also a wee bit of constipation. What I am constantly on the lookout for is sore, sore boobs - and I haven't had those in like a million years (obviously). I mean, we all get sore-ish boobs when AF is on the way but pregnancy sore boobs are like nothing I've ever experienced before. That's the only thing that'd make me REALLY stop and think, could it be...?

I only started taking Met just over a week ago. And so far I've only managed to take it like every other day. Yah, like that's really gonna help make the extra follicles in my left ovary disappear.

I have this rather stupid thought/question about women who are readily able to produce more than one child. If a woman has two kids or more, doesn't that make her more of a mother than me (because she has more kids and I only have one)? Ok, your collective eyeballs are rolling, I can feel it but seriously. A woman who has more than one kid, has more to deal with, gains more experience and is therefore more of a mom, right? Not that that makes me less of a woman (just as IF should not diminish one's sense of womanhood), just less of a mom? Gee, can you tell it bothers me when people have more (of anything) than me? Ok, raise your hand if you're feeling extra insecure this weekend... (Me! Me! Me!)

Sorry for the rambling, people... I hope to produce something more coherent and positive next week!
Cheers to a fairly decent weekend!

Not So Bad News

I finally got see my RE today - at least her daughter anyway. The results are in - and they're suprisingly quite good.

First moi - all my FSH, LH, testosterone and insulin levels are normal. This totally surprised me. While I was happy to hear it, it made me ask (not out loud), why the hell am I not ovulating regularly?? According to RE, Jr. the good news is that my brain i.e. pituitary glad, is normal because it's producing the right amounts of the necessary hormones. It's that one bloody ovary that isn't responding to the hormones. Why isn't the damn thing responding?? Anyway, the Rx is Metformin for two months. If pregnancy doesn't result, then we do the Metformin-Clomid cocktail.

Then, we discussed DH's sperm work up. Almost all his numbers saw a healthy increase. He has a count of 77.8 million. (Woo-hoo! I married a stud!), 95% of his swimmers enjoy normal morphology, and 65% of those guys are still up and at 'em after three hours. Not bad - in the last work, up only 40% were in fighting form in the third hour. The only problem: liquefaction. Semen is supposed to liquefy within 30 minutes after ejaculation. DH's liquefied after 4 hours!! But RE, Jr. says that's not a big deal. He just needs to take Ambrolex (used to make sticky mucus - usually in your nose - run. Hahaha!

So we're supposed to boink on the fertile days which RE, Jr. said starts on CD 12. My regular OB-GYN always told me to start on CD 10. Maybe we've been starting too early all this time? When do you girls start contact??

I'm a bit worried about taking Metformin. She's suggesting I take it 3 times a day. But I'm gonna start on one a day and try to work my way up. I pray that the side effects don't hit me too hard. What do you guys feel when you take it? And how many do you take in a day?

So that's me for now. Not so bad news. I'm kinda relieved but then again, I feel more pressure to get pregnant since most things appear to be "normal".

Blood Test

Went in for the blood tests my RE ordered, it being CD 3 today.

I was kind of annoyed because the med tech said he couldn't do the insulin test because I hadn't fasted overnight. But when I called the lab the day before, they said fasting wasn't really necessary if my doctor didn't specifically say so - and she didn't. To be sure, I texted "family doctor" Baby Blues and she said, I didn't really need to fast but it was best to have it done in the morning. Anyway, I have to go back tomorrow morning first thing to get it done. What a pain.

Speaking of pain, I almost died when they gave me the bill for the four tests: LH, FSH, testosterone and insulin. Bloody, frickin' hell man!!! &*^%$#@ It's like a joke The Powers That Be are playing on us. In this country, the poorest of the poor have no problems conceiving. They're baby factories. Families with eleven kids are NOT an uncommon thing for those at or below the poverty line. Then, here's me - seemingly barren but living quite comfortably. It's like the Universe is saying, "Hey, you can AFFORD to be infertile!" Oh hahaha, so funny, so clever. Thanks a lot!

Anyway, my Tarb was with me when I had the test done and she was just the cutest. She volunteered to hold my hand while it was all being done. And she said, "I might give you a lollipop after". (Standard procedure at her pedia's office - she's such a fabulous patient, she gets two).

The nursery is on the same floor as the lab, so the Tarb and I had a good look at the babies on the way out. There were only three of them and they were all wrapped like spring rolls in their blue and green blankets. When I told her they were all boys, she was like, I don't like them. Where's the girl? And providentially, she did get to see a baby girl when we got in the elevator. She was getting ready to go home.

I thought I might feel bad seeing the babies but I'd say it was more excitement. Ok, there was a teeny weeny weeny dull ache somewhere within but still, excitement was the overriding emotion. I guess it's because I know that I'm doing something more concrete to find out about and hopefully solve my infertility.

And by Thursday, I should have some answers.

Announcing The Arrival Of...

AUNT FLO.

Of course she chose to arrive at a truly inconvenient time - at work, in the middle of my show! And she brought along presents like extreme bloatedness in all the wrong places and piercing lower back pain. Smile!

But I must say, I'm happy to see the old hag. Her arrival means that I can subject myself to a blood test over the weekend. And I don't really fear needles, so no problem there. As my Tarb says, "I'm brave of injections" - and she truly is. She doesn't cry. She'll maybe let out a whimper at most. And the freakiest thing of all - she LOOKS while they're doing it! Strange child...

Anyway, I need to pop an Advil to take the edge off AF's visit. Have a great weekend, everyone!

The Consult

I went to see Dr. L the RE for the first time today. She was very business like - in a grandmotherly way. Not exactly like my regular OBGNYE whom I can chat up a storm with but warmer than I had expected.

Here's the score:

- After an IE, she said my uterus was slightly enlarged probably because I'm expecting AF but we couldn't rule out pregnancy.
- A test done right then and there was a BFN - surprise, surprise...
- My uterus is leaning forward slightly so my cervix is postioned a bit further back than usual. Dr. L said it was nothing to worry about.
- I need to go in for a blood test on CD 2 or 3 to see where I stand but there is definitely Metformin in my future.
- Hubby needs another sperm work up. 5 days abstinence - good luck to me convincing him it'll all be worth his "sacrifice" and whacking off in the toilet of the outpatient lab at the hospital.
- Dr. L says it's very unlikely my tubes are blocked because 1) I already have one kid and 2) I haven't had any infections.
- Dr. L also said, I'm very lucky 1) to have had one successful pregnancy considering my one lazy ovary and LT's slightly low sperm count 2) that I don't exhibit the tell tale signs of a PCOS patient (being overweight and hairy) probably because only one ovary was diagnosed as polycystic.

So now there's nothing to do but wait for AF - that inconsiderate cow who's never there when you need her but ALWAYS there when she's not welcome.

I'm actually excited to get all the results. I'm all bright eyed and bushy-tailed that they won't be tooooo bad. But even if they are, it'll be nice to finally see exactly where we are in the labyrinth of IF. Anything beats guessing and worrying in informational limbo, right?

And if anyone sees AF, please tell her to come by my house asap.

The Souvenir

I was looking for something in the jungle that is my night stand drawer today and then I saw it. The one and only BFP pregnancy test stick my pee has ever been able to produce. It was really the strangest feeling to see it and hold it in my hands. I swear, I had a nanosecond-long adrenaline rush, thinking or hoping really hard - for a second - that I had just peed on the damn thing!

I was staring the the two purple parallel lines for quite a while... then I got sad. I thought about my knees going weak and the blood turning to ice in my veins that night - December 9th, 2002. There's just no thrill like it. And it scares the shit out of me to think that I may not ever feel that particular kind of joy again. I never thought it'd take this long or be this hard to see those two lines side by side again.

By the end of the month, it'll be exactly two years since we started TTC for Tarb #2. Where does the time go? Maybe I should've sent myself to an RE back then - but who knew, right?

There are days I can literally feel my body pining for a pregnancy. Is that weird? It's hard to explain but I start to remember very vividly how it felt to have a swollen belly, bloated breasts, suddenly softened joints, glowing skin. I remember it so clearly sometimes it's like I can actually feel it. I loved the quickening, the fluttering of butterfly wings, bubbles bursting in your tummy - whatever you call it - it's your kid, living and growing inside you. And what I miss most is how PURPOSEFUL pregnancy makes you as a whole.

The things I'm saying may sound really selfish: first, for those of you who haven't even had your first Tarb and second, because I'm emphasizing how fabulous pregnancy made ME (me, me, me) feel - so for that I apologize. But those are the things that honestly come to my mind.

Then soon after that are that thoughts that say: Maybe, me wanting to get pregnant is a selfish thing because I want to feel this and feel that and have more purpose and maybe, I'm too arrogant because I believe DESERVE it because I am (so I like to think) a damn good mom. (Ooh, too many run on sentences - next paragraph please).

I don't have any answers to these crazy questions and I don't pretend to.

All I know is I want a baby.

Seeing an RE for the first time ever tomorrow - hope she can help. Good luck to me...

The Next Step

Took at EPT on Saturday night and it was... a nice, neat BFN.
So instead of wasting another month on Clomid... I've decided it's time to see a specialist. As in I'm seeing her (Dr. L) on Thursday. I'm told she's always booked up but since her clinic operates on a first come, first served basis, I shall haul my infertile ass there reeeaaally early.

As for AF, I'd love to say, the bitch is back - but she ain't. As always, extending her sabbatical in lord knows where.

I'm a little nervous bout seeing an RE but we'd all do whatever it takes and this is the next, perhaps long overdue, step. I've been reading up on all the little things that could be wrong with me and the DH and it's really quite scary. The thing that worries me the most is the fact that - because my Tarb was delievered by C section - I could have adhesions in my uterus, making conditions less than ideal for implanation. (Freak out, freak out!) Although, when I last went for an US, my OBGNY said that it looked like the incision in my uterus healed nicely. Then again, how accurately can an US show you that - haven't a clue!

But I supposed more light will be shed on all this in the coming weeks after a visit to the RE. Good luck to me!

Waiting...

So it's the days before Aunt Flo's "scheduled" visit and I'm short of going crazy with the thoughts in my head. I'm over analyzing every damn little thing my body is feeling.

This is me the whole day...hmm, my tummy's feeling a wee bit acidic... why am I so sleepy?... you're always sleepy! Oh oh my boobs look bigger... you wish!... I'm sooo hungry... yes, because you didn't have breakfast, genius... hey, I'm not grumpy... if I'm not grumpy I'm not PMSing... and if I'm not PMSing...

Sigh. I've been pregnant before and I remember exactly how it feels. And how I feel right now is not quite it. The first, unmistakable symptom for me, was the very sore breasts and unfortunately, that's one symptom I'm not suffering right now. But that doesn't stop me from hoping against hope - "It's too early to feel anything anyway". I wish there were an EPT that told you like the day after you do it, if one of the boys made it to the egg - just to save us all the agony of waiting!

Yesterday, I found out that an aquaintance of mine is knocked up with her second kid; the first is barely one. I was sincerely happy for her but I couldn't help the feeling of being left behind. I've got one last try on Clomid after this, then off we go to see a specialist.

When The Second Time Ain't A Charm

"Infertility does not mean we are selfish or ungrateful. Infertility isn't punishment for finishing college, or having a good career. It doesn't mean we want it all. With secondary infertility it doesn't mean we aren't grateful for the children we do have. We want what many, many people take for granted, the ability to have children when you decide you are ready ... We just want the family we imagined having".

Here's something I read on another mom's blog and it really struck a cord with me. Finally, someone who gets it.

I've been very open about my efforts in trying to have a second child. Me shy? Hell, no I'll talk about it to whoever cares to listen when I'm in the mood. The reactions I get vary: Well, you've had one already, I'm sure you'll have another one in time. Then there's: But you should be thankful that you already have ONE. And the most common: The both of you are probably just so stressed from work - take a vacation.

For the women who get pregnant by so much as a sneeze from the opposite sex and friends who've spent years focusing on NOT getting knocked up, yes, these might seem like helpful and sympathetic comments. But for anyone who has done even minimal research, secondary infertility is a REAL problem - not something conjured up in the minds of busy, educated yuppies. (And I'm not even sure if I fit in that demographic). People who have babies with little effort - from the rich Opus Dei baby making machines to the urban poor house wives - just don't get it. They might as well tell a starving child in Darfur that dinner at the Four Seasons is overrated.

I have not undergone extensive procedures to find out exactly why baby #2 refuses to come into existence, but I know that I have one polycystic ovary (the left is a lemon) and that my husband has an ok-but-boderline-sperm count. Clomid for moi and Proviron for him are the treatments we've been using. I'm one unsuccessful Clomid cycle away from seeing a specialist.

There is a huge emotional toll that comes with not getting pregnant when you feel you're good and ready. And the hormone imbalance only makes this exponentially worse. (This will have to be written about more extensively on another post!) The pills, ovulation piss sticks and scheduled sex are not the most ideal elements for a fun tryst but they're part of the deal. Fine.

MY issue is not being able to create the family that I want - the kind you picture yourself having, the kind you honestly believe you deserve . (Enter the voices of the "concerned" friends and relatives: It's just not meant for you yet). Yah, ok screw you - that's like me saying, you should cut your three youngest children out of your life. Am I selfish for wanting to multiply the joy that my daughter has brought into my life and all those around her? I sound like a petulant child and at this point in my cycle I won't apologize for it.

This venting is thoroughly incongruous with my faith and spiritual beliefs. But there's no room here at this moment to wax philospohical about all this because infertility is what it is. Painful. Degrading. Frustrating. And in the darkest days, very lonely.