Tired

Today, I'm feeling like I'm tired of trying to get knocked up. I'm in one of those if-God-wanted-me-to-have-another-kid-I'd-have-one-by-now moods. I haven't been taking Met though I know I should. It's just after lunch, I've had a good meal and now would be the perfect time to pop one but I'm hesitating like anything. Seriously, WHAT'S THE POINT?? The meds don't work. I don't like them and they certainly don't like me.

I often see this whole secondary IF thing as the Powers That Be making me work for something that I truly want since a lot of the other things I truly wanted in the past (including Tarb #1) came pretty easy. Ok, ok, so maybe I should trouble and toil my ass off for the second but today, I'm tired.

Tired of waiting, tired of wanting, tired of thinking, tired of counting and tired of hearing: Tarb's so big already, isn't it time for another one?

If I just banished the desire for another child, I wouldn't be so worked up and anxious, right? So part of me wants to stop wanting it because I'm just so fricking tired. But realistically speaking, that's not gonna happen, not anytime soon anyway. So here I am waiting, wanting, thinking, counting... with negative vibes all around me.

In short, not a good day for not being fertile.

When We First "Met"

Started Met.for.min on Thursday. Popped one 500 mg tab and a few hours later could feel my tummy rumbling but nothing disastrous happened.

Friday was, unfortunately, a different story. About three and a half hours after taking the tab, I was over at a neighbor's house to pick up the Tarb from a playdate. And as I was chatting with the nice host mommy, I was hit by a sudden stomach (small intestine?) spasm. Like the kind that comes so suddenly and with such force, you almost have to hold on to something. Good thing DH was with me. I excused myself and hopped across the street where my sister in law lives (convenient, eh?) and sped to her guest bathroom. What followed had me sweating bullets and could have broken the toilet bowl. And there were at least two milder (thank God!) repeats later in the afternoon.

I was warned by my RE and some lovely ladies in blogland about this but I honestly didn't think it would be this bad. It was debilitating! I didn't go to work on Friday for fear of not being within a 10 meter radius of a clean, private toilet. Yes, I've been told my body will get used to it but now I live in fear of taking it! I knew I'd be out the whole day Sat. and Sun. so I didn't take it then. And now, I'm trying to convince myself it'll be ok. Help!

How long did it take you guys to get used to it?

Oh - something I've been meaning to ask is, why does everyone put a period (haha no pun intended) between the letters in a name of a medicine as in Met.formin and Lu.pron? Is that so Googlers won't find you? Can't think of any other reason...

Not So Bad News

I finally got see my RE today - at least her daughter anyway. The results are in - and they're suprisingly quite good.

First moi - all my FSH, LH, testosterone and insulin levels are normal. This totally surprised me. While I was happy to hear it, it made me ask (not out loud), why the hell am I not ovulating regularly?? According to RE, Jr. the good news is that my brain i.e. pituitary glad, is normal because it's producing the right amounts of the necessary hormones. It's that one bloody ovary that isn't responding to the hormones. Why isn't the damn thing responding?? Anyway, the Rx is Metformin for two months. If pregnancy doesn't result, then we do the Metformin-Clomid cocktail.

Then, we discussed DH's sperm work up. Almost all his numbers saw a healthy increase. He has a count of 77.8 million. (Woo-hoo! I married a stud!), 95% of his swimmers enjoy normal morphology, and 65% of those guys are still up and at 'em after three hours. Not bad - in the last work, up only 40% were in fighting form in the third hour. The only problem: liquefaction. Semen is supposed to liquefy within 30 minutes after ejaculation. DH's liquefied after 4 hours!! But RE, Jr. says that's not a big deal. He just needs to take Ambrolex (used to make sticky mucus - usually in your nose - run. Hahaha!

So we're supposed to boink on the fertile days which RE, Jr. said starts on CD 12. My regular OB-GYN always told me to start on CD 10. Maybe we've been starting too early all this time? When do you girls start contact??

I'm a bit worried about taking Metformin. She's suggesting I take it 3 times a day. But I'm gonna start on one a day and try to work my way up. I pray that the side effects don't hit me too hard. What do you guys feel when you take it? And how many do you take in a day?

So that's me for now. Not so bad news. I'm kinda relieved but then again, I feel more pressure to get pregnant since most things appear to be "normal".

Yummyness!

I am a domestic goddess wannabe. On most days, I fail miserably at it but today - triumph!

I managed to whip up these babies this afternoon in preparation for a big play date here at home tomorrow. They are simply called Chunky Chocolate Cookies is the recipe book. They resemble your basic chocolate crinkle but the batter isn't so sweet which is why you require a dollop of the divinely sinful icing. The recipe called for chocolate buttons but I had a bag load of Hershey's Kissables (in Christmas colors, as you can see) and used those instead.

Hope the kids like them because if not, they'll be mine all mine...!!!

What A Journey It Has Been

Here are the lyrics of the song that all the kids at the Tarb's school sang on "Moving Up" Day. I get all weepy when I think of my Tarb as a "traveller" just starting her journey through life. But the reason I'm posting it here is because I think it's so appropriate for what we go through in IF.

The song is called, The Journey. And Baby Blues just informed me that it's by THE best Flipino singer ever, Lea Salonga. It's on iTunes but if you want, I'd be happy to email you the mp3 file. Enjoy...

Half the world is sleeping
Half the world's awake
Half can hear their hearts beat
Half just hear them break

I am but a traveller
In most every way
Ask me what you want to know

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way
When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in
What a journey it has been

I have been to sorrow
I have been to bliss
Where I'll be tomorrow
I can only guess

Through the darkest desert
Through the deepest snow
Forward, always forward I go

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way
When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in
What a journey it has been

Forward, always forward
Onward, always up
Catching every drop of hope
In my empty cup

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way
When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in
What a journey it has been

Sentimentality & New Found Respect

Today is officially the Tarb's first day of summer vacation! On Friday, the kids performed in their grand, year ending program cheerfully named "Moving Up Day". The theme was "Preschool Musical" inspired by the movie "High School Musical". The kids performed songs from there and other Disney favorites. They were simply adorable - all of them, not just mine... ok, especially mine.

Now I have to admit, I do get all sentimental at events like this. No streaming cheeks, mind you - just misty eyes. It happened at the Grandparents' Day program and at the Christmas one as well. But Moving Up Day was worse because of the choice of songs like "Miracles Happen"* and "The Journey"* which really made me take stock of all the things the Tarb has accomplished in the past nine months. She went in there knowing only the letters in her initials give or take a couple more. Now she knows all of them and their sounds and can write her full name. Back then, she could only count to 10 by rote. Now she can meaningfully count objects up to 15. And her ability to follow Teacher M's choreography has improved by leaps and bounds. (Stage mother trying to control herself... but it's no use!) And seriously, she was the star of the show - stage blocking had her in the front, smack in the middle.

I don't think of myself as a super mom. With my dependence on the yaya (read: Tagalog for nanny), it would be awfully pretentious to do so. But I sure as hell looked like one at the program as I squatted in front of the stage simultaneously shooting video and taking digital stills from two cameras. (Yah, I know most cameras have both functions but I'm not happy with the low-res stills from my video cam and the low-res video from my digital). DH woke up late, arrived late and just happily enjoyed the show from the seat I saved him, so it was up to me to single-handedly record this moment in history.

The Tarb did as well as expected with her natural immunity from stage fright, give-it-all-she's-got moves and star-quality projection etc. etc. As I watched the kids and noticed how they were all just that much more grown up, I was painfully reminded of how time's swiftness is a betrayal of parental joy. We long to see our kids do this and that and when they do, we sigh about how quickly they're changing.

No one understands or welcomes this bittersweet condition like a preschool teacher. I watched them as they led their kids with gusto and caught them smiling with pride and eyes shiny with tears. After the show, they hugged the kids from their respective classes, telling them how much they'd miss them. The sincerity in their affection surprised me even though I had become aware, during the course of the year, just how fond the kids and teachers had grown of each other. My heart just swelled knowing that someone who wasn't a relative or friend could care for and be so devoted to my kid.

I have to confess that I often pigeon holed preschool teachers as young girls who lacked the drive to make it in the corporate arena or the direction to do something more "meaningful" in life. I couldn't have been more wrong. Friday was a humbling experience for me. Preschool teachers are my new heroes! I am a fan! I have the greatest repsect for what they do and am ever so grateful that they have been a part of our lives.

*I should post the lyrics of these songs because they are also very appropriate for IF-ers!!

Wait Extended

I didn't end up going to see my RE on Thursday for several reasons. For one thing she had an emergency and the DH only collected his sperm sample that same day. So we figured it'd be best to wait for his results to come in so we'd only need one consult to talk about our plan of action.

BUT it turns out the RE is going on vaca so I might have to consult with her daughter - who's obviously an RE as well. That'll be on Wednseday. So till then, I think I'll just keep sipping on the fabulous caipirinha that the Stirrup Queen delievered. Aahhh...