The Picture Page

Reproductive Jeans has a got a great idea. It's called The Picture Page. Breathe easy, it's not a tagging thing.

She figured that since most of us in blogland share so much of ourselves, except our true identities, there must be a (fun) way to share more of what we experience in real life - things that aren't necessarily about IF. And that's how she came up with The Picture Page. All you have to do is leave me (and everyone else participating) a comment and name a thing or things that you'd like me to post a picture of. So far the most common requests are things like, pets, the view from your bedroom, stuff in your handbag etc. etc. So what'd you like to see?

Ask and it shall be posted...

Meditation

I've been studying the ancient spiritual wisdom of Kabbalah for the past few months. Don't worry, I'm not going to use this post to explain what it's all about. (But if you do have any questions, just post a question). All I can tell you is that it's helped me a lot deal with my garbage - IF just being one component. I know there are a lot of people out there who are put off by Kabbalah - for whatever reason. If you're one of them, by all means skip this post.

For those of you reading on, this is a meditation I've only recently started doing. You might want to try it yourself. The three characters in the circle (more clearly seen in the second picture) form an Aramaic word representing fertility. This is how you do it. Sit upright in a chair with your feet touching the ground. Make sure none of your limbs are crossed. Look at the characters from RIGHT TO LEFT and read the meditation below them on the second card. Now close your eyes and see the letters in your mind. Imagine the letters infront of and slightly above you. You can peep at the letters once in a while in case you forget how they look. When imagining the letters in your mind, see them also as rays of light coming down on you. Do this for at least five minutes then work your way to 10, 15 then 20 if possible. You can also say the word (kaf lamed yud) in your mind, if it helps.

Obviously, I'm not saying, Poof! We'll all be knocked up tomorrow. And this certainly is no substitute for ART. But I've tried to meditate many times in the past and this is the first method that I've really been able to carry out. I can do it for around 7 minutes straight now - without having to peep at my watch to check that time is up! It also really relaxes me, makes me feel less scattered. Whether this will work in getting any of us pregnant, who knows. I just know that it's helped me deal. And if we all keep each other in mind when we do it, I think it'd be really powerful.

Tag I'm It (Again)

Thanks, Baby Blues for tagging moi. This is slightly different from the 8 Random Things About Me.

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Exactly 10 years ago I was touring Europe with my fave cousin and one of our best friends. We had just graduated from college and were on a vacation of a lifetime. (Also, the last one paid for by our parents). We always said we'd take a trip like that again but we haven't. Life and financial realities all got in the way. Maybe one day... At least we have the memories...

What were you doing a year ago?
I must've been losing my mind on Clo.mid. Otherwise, life hasn't changed much in the past year.

Five snacks you enjoy:
1. Royce chocolates
2. Melty Kiss chocolates
3. Hawaiian Host chocolate covered macadamia nuts
4. melted cheese on toast
5. fried kamote (sweet potato) smothered with butter, brown sugar and rum

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
1. Let The River Run by Carly Simon
2. Seasons Of Love from Rent
3. As Time Goes By (by lord knows who?? We just had to learn and sing it for my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary!!)
4. You by The Carpenters
5. Circle by Edie Brickell

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1. Travel to every corner of the globe
2. Ensure that every Filipino child got a world class education
3. Buy an island and build a resort for family and friends
4. Hire a full time stylist and interior decorator
5. Bribe all corrupt government officials to leave their posts

Five bad habits:
1. Procrastination
2. Leaving all closet doors open after dressing up
3. Obsessively checking email
4. Finishing everything on my plate even if I'm not hungry anymore
5. Over sleeping

Five things you like doing
1. Tickling my Tarb
2. Going on vacation by the beach
3. Reading
4. Karaoke
5. Getting massages

Five things you would never wear again:
1. Reebok hi-top sneakers with legwarmers
2. Huge gold cat-shaped earrings
3. Suspenders with a rah rah skirt
4. Madonna style head band tied in a bow
5. Sky high bangs (Am I an 80s kid or what?)

Five favorite toys:
1. Speak n Spell "computer"
2. Barbie "make your own perfume" set
3. Baby Miss Piggy doll
4. Casio electronic piano
5. Disney characters indoor tent

Now, my turn to tag (though I'm not sure if any of you've already been tagged):
1. Samantha of Southern Infertility
2. Nicole of Just Crazy Enough To Try
3. SaraS-P of The Island
4. Buchiko of Waiting For Buchiko
5. Bea of Infertile Fantasies

Sad Mommy Moment

One of the things that came to pass while I was "away" was a sad mommy moment. A moment when you realize your angel is capable of being anything but. It was the first time I can remember being truly embarassed by my child. Not "oh how embarassing but adorable". Just pure embarassment with a healthy sprinkling of shame.

First a backgrounder. In and around Metro Manila, there are lots of street kids. And when we see them, we point them out to her and tell her how fortunate she is to have parents, a home, food, toys, the chance to go to school. There was a time she would even ask us to list all the stuff the street kids didn't have. So we mentioned every luxury she ever enjoyed. It seems we missed one because she had to ask us, "They don't have parmesan cheese??" THAT was cute. THAT was also over a year ago.

Last month when one of our helpers left for a month long vacation to her home province, we asked Tarb to pick out some toys she no longer wanted, to give to our helper's daughter. We explained that the kid in the province didn't have all the things that she had, so Tarb needed to share. No problem. She was able to pick out a number of things she could live without. Then this...

One afternoon last week, I left instructions with Tarb and the yaya (read: Tagalog for "nanny") that Tarb was to sleep while I was out running errands. I got home a few hours later to see Tarb in a good mood, running around. So I asked the yaya how long she had slept. Apparently, not a wink. The yaya then proceeded to tell me in a matter of fact way, that when Tarb had been continuously told to sleep, she got annoyed and told the yaya, "You know, you're poor. And you don't have a lot of things. And you don't have a house. This is my house. There's lots of things and food in it". OH.MY.GOD.

She's a smart girl, incredibly perceptive. I could give you tons of examples about how she figured out the complex relationship between my separated in laws without us telling her. I just didn't count on her using her knowledge and (barely 4 year old) skills of deduction to put down the household help!

So her father talked to her calmly later that night and the dialogue was something like this:

DH: Tarb, did you say something mean to your yaya today.

T: No... I don't remember.

DH: You have to tell me the truth because I heard something. You said something that was not nice...

T: But... but Pappy, I was confused...!

DH: No, what you said was not nice. It was mean and it makes the yayas sad...

T: (bursts in to tears and begins to wail) I'm sorry, Pappy! I'm sooooorrryyyy!!!! (cry, cry, cry)

Sigh...

I would have wanted DH to explain to her why what she said was wrong. Factually correct, yes, but wrong on every other level. He said, because she had burst into non-histrionic tears and apologized so readily, she already knew. I left it at that but I still felt that DH just went to mush when the flood gates broke. I would have had a mouthful more to say. So far so good though. She hasn't said anything mean or politically incorrect to the household help. We shall see...

*photo of Tarb at about 5 months, taken by moi

The New Look

I was getting juuuust a bit sick of the Larry King lights on my old template.
I can't say this new one is very "me" either but it'll do for now...
More later, ladies!

Tagged!

Yes, yes I've been gone for a while. I just haven't been feeling too bloggerific lately. And there's not a whole lot to report infertility-wise at least. Anyway, I'm doing the whole 8 Random Things About Moi thing because Southern Belle Samantha tagged me. (Thanks, Sam - was touched someone was thinking of me in my absence!) Ok...

1. I spent most of my formative years outside of the Philippines. We lived in Wellington, New Zealand for three years. As in I picked up a thick Kiwi accent there, mate. Afterwards, we were hied off to Hong Kong where we lived for 10 years, during it's glory days in the years leading up to its handover to China. I do not speak any Cantonese - never did. And my "keywey" accent is long gone.

2. I am semi-ambidextrous. At least that's what I call it. My dominant hand is clearly my right but for some unexplainable reason, I can only efficiently brush my teeth with my left. And I instinctively hold a guitar the wrong way round.

3. I'm not a dog fan. BUT when I met my animal-crazy husband I learned to appreciate furry friends - so much so I helped his (later our) lab while she was in labor, bottle fed those adorable puppies, learned to sleep with a dog in my bed etc. etc. But my interest and affection for even the most loyal canine beasts died with the birth of my first (human!) child. But I did have delayed reaction grief when our lab died. Started bawling on the way home from work, thinking about him while listening to Coldplay's The Scientist :(

4. I do not watch a whole lot of local tv. That's no biggie for most people but seeing as I'm in the biz, it's rather ironic. Maybe I'm too busy but I think I just don't care what's out there... but I should! But there are so many things I'd rather be doing...

5. I am a fairly laid back mom. I do not totally obsess over my daughter's diet and cleanliness. The kid hates fruits. She might eat a chocolate covered strawberry following lots of negotiation so I don't force the issue in general. We're able to sneak in veggies when they're soft and mixed with her other food. She's allowed junk. Quite a bit of it. She takes a bath like 3 times a day - not because it's a rule. It's just a habit. Although I do obsess about her smell. She needs to be wreaking of baby cologne at all times of the day.

6. My mother is a damn good cook. When she was bored out of her wits when we lived in New Zealand, she'd even knit. She is Martha Stewart and I'm not even a Rachel Ray. I am feeling the pressure.

7. Oh to make more sense of no. 6, DH, Tarb and I live in my parents' house... with my (older and only) single brother. Yeah... I know...

8. I am so bloody boring, I don't have any hobbies. I can't draw and I am not athletic. I'm ok with going to the gym regularly though - it's what I do while waiting for Tarb to get out of preschool. I love love love to sing but alas, I'm quite tone deaf. And this is extremely frustrating because Filipinos are known for their musicality. And I can't say it's not in my family. My grandmother was a piano teacher and my dad is a great singer. He sets the pitch for me in karaoke hahaha.

So there ya go. Stuff about me that has nothing to do with IF. It's actually been refreshing to write...

Detour

So here's a less than savory update. Please be sure you are not eating when reading this.

I have a ye.ast in.fection. It is the third one this year!!! The first one was in January - easily explained by nuclear strength antibiotics I was taking. Then there was one in March. And now this.

So I went to see my regular OB-GYN, Dr. T, and we had a nice chat (love her!) and she figures that it's the Met that's causing me problems. With having the runs on and off, my immune system is weakened and the area down there more exposed to whatever. She did an IE and said it was pretty bad but just in case I got pregnant this cycle (yah right!) she's not putting me on oral meds. Instead it's suppositories for a week. Oh joy.

Then we talked some more and she said that taking the Met once a day - something I barely even managed to do because of the nasty side effects - won't help my ovaries any. So she told me to head of back to my RE, Dr. L, and ask for some other route to fertility.

I asked her why my ovary is still polycystic if my LH, FSH and testosterone levels all meaured within the normal range. She said the tests were good in that my polycystic-ness is not affecting my other hormones. BUT (and we all knew that was coming), polycystic ovaries are an estrogen-progesterone problem. So lil' ol' scientific me with nothing but a pre-med degree under my belt, asked can't they just give me the estrogen and progesterone? She smiled - in way that was not condescending at all - and explained, it just doesn't work that way.

My next question is: THEN, HOW THE HELL DOES IT WORK??!!

I hope Dr. L answers that when I see her in a week or two. In the meantime, suppositories, please.