How To Deal

Over the past few days, I haven't really felt the sting or the heartbreak that IF can often send my way. And to think several fertiles have hinted that they're up for having their second kid - and I just know that they'll get knocked up before me.

Instead, what I was thinking was

1) What if I just tell people that I only want one Tarb my whole life? That way, no one will have to know about the frustration I feel - the frustration that no one seems to understand anyway because the Tarb is already that light of my life and I "should be happy that I already have one". And if I tell them I'm not trying, they won't know that I'm failing and I won't have to feel like an incompetent loser among fertiles.

But after a few minutes of reflection, I realized this would never work because I've shouted to the four winds just how badly I want another Tarb and detailed just how hard I'm trying.

2) And this really makes more sense. I just would like God to tell me if he's ever going to give me another Tarb or not. If yes, ok I'll wait but could he tell me if I should bother with treatments? And if no, boo-fucking-hoo, bawl my eyes out for a few years and then (I think) I could be ok with that. KNOWING that I'll never have another one will kill a part of my soul but a lot of me would come to life again since I wouldn't have to deal with so much wondering and disappointment. And I could free up tons of storage space instead of hanging on to Tarb's baby stuff, hoping against hope that I'll need them again soon.

Just say the word, man! I mean, God...

I need an Easter prayer...