Sunday, April 8, 2007

How To Deal

Over the past few days, I haven't really felt the sting or the heartbreak that IF can often send my way. And to think several fertiles have hinted that they're up for having their second kid - and I just know that they'll get knocked up before me.

Instead, what I was thinking was

1) What if I just tell people that I only want one Tarb my whole life? That way, no one will have to know about the frustration I feel - the frustration that no one seems to understand anyway because the Tarb is already that light of my life and I "should be happy that I already have one". And if I tell them I'm not trying, they won't know that I'm failing and I won't have to feel like an incompetent loser among fertiles.

But after a few minutes of reflection, I realized this would never work because I've shouted to the four winds just how badly I want another Tarb and detailed just how hard I'm trying.

2) And this really makes more sense. I just would like God to tell me if he's ever going to give me another Tarb or not. If yes, ok I'll wait but could he tell me if I should bother with treatments? And if no, boo-fucking-hoo, bawl my eyes out for a few years and then (I think) I could be ok with that. KNOWING that I'll never have another one will kill a part of my soul but a lot of me would come to life again since I wouldn't have to deal with so much wondering and disappointment. And I could free up tons of storage space instead of hanging on to Tarb's baby stuff, hoping against hope that I'll need them again soon.

Just say the word, man! I mean, God...

I need an Easter prayer...


Adrienne said...

Oh, if we all had a crystal ball, think of the time and energy we would save! But think of the lessons we would miss learning, and the life we would miss living. It would be easier, yes, but not as fulfilling (in both good and bad ways).

I hope you find the answer to your prayer.

Baby Blues said...

I have to agree with Adrienne. I so want an answer too. IF's just draining me physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially. I'm running on empty!

But whether or not my prayer would be answered, I just want to be able to say that I did my best. And I believe this journey would have made me wiser and stronger.

For the same reason, I'm still in the closet about our struggles with IF with my own family. I can't even bring it up with Mr. Kite's family. Not everyone "gets it" and I respect that. But for those who do, I'm thankful.

SaraS-P said...

yes, I wish we could KNOW if there was a point to it all.