The Next Step

Took at EPT on Saturday night and it was... a nice, neat BFN.
So instead of wasting another month on Clomid... I've decided it's time to see a specialist. As in I'm seeing her (Dr. L) on Thursday. I'm told she's always booked up but since her clinic operates on a first come, first served basis, I shall haul my infertile ass there reeeaaally early.

As for AF, I'd love to say, the bitch is back - but she ain't. As always, extending her sabbatical in lord knows where.

I'm a little nervous bout seeing an RE but we'd all do whatever it takes and this is the next, perhaps long overdue, step. I've been reading up on all the little things that could be wrong with me and the DH and it's really quite scary. The thing that worries me the most is the fact that - because my Tarb was delievered by C section - I could have adhesions in my uterus, making conditions less than ideal for implanation. (Freak out, freak out!) Although, when I last went for an US, my OBGNY said that it looked like the incision in my uterus healed nicely. Then again, how accurately can an US show you that - haven't a clue!

But I supposed more light will be shed on all this in the coming weeks after a visit to the RE. Good luck to me!

Cramping...

Dear Aunt Flo has sent signals that she's coming for a visit... yipee.

Was sitting in the car in traffic today, then suddenly there it was - the slight back pain and the oh so subtle cramping.

Just a matter of time. Dognabbit!

Waiting...

So it's the days before Aunt Flo's "scheduled" visit and I'm short of going crazy with the thoughts in my head. I'm over analyzing every damn little thing my body is feeling.

This is me the whole day...hmm, my tummy's feeling a wee bit acidic... why am I so sleepy?... you're always sleepy! Oh oh my boobs look bigger... you wish!... I'm sooo hungry... yes, because you didn't have breakfast, genius... hey, I'm not grumpy... if I'm not grumpy I'm not PMSing... and if I'm not PMSing...

Sigh. I've been pregnant before and I remember exactly how it feels. And how I feel right now is not quite it. The first, unmistakable symptom for me, was the very sore breasts and unfortunately, that's one symptom I'm not suffering right now. But that doesn't stop me from hoping against hope - "It's too early to feel anything anyway". I wish there were an EPT that told you like the day after you do it, if one of the boys made it to the egg - just to save us all the agony of waiting!

Yesterday, I found out that an aquaintance of mine is knocked up with her second kid; the first is barely one. I was sincerely happy for her but I couldn't help the feeling of being left behind. I've got one last try on Clomid after this, then off we go to see a specialist.

Flower Tarb

We were out of town for a wedding over the weekend.
Once again, my lil Tarb was asked to be a flower girl, so here she is, happily playing the part for the fourth time. She did great but fell asleep soon after her trip down the aisle - which was just as well because she was then able to join us on the dance floor till late.

She actually ditched her dad and I after a few songs to go grab her cousin. (Wanted a dance partner at the same "altitude").

Just wanted to share!

*Sorry - had to remove the photos for various reasons.

Just Thinking

I was just thinking about what I wrote in my last post.

As a not-so-devout Catholic and reader of Kabbalist teachings, I admit that I tend to believe that the reason I haven't conceived a 2nd child yet is because God/The Universe/The Light does not see another child as necessary to my journey and the lessons I need to learn in life at this time.

That's great when I'm feeling kinda Zen like now, but when I'm thinking about just how great it would be to be pregnant again, such thoughts do little to console me. It's easy to slide down that slippery slope and start asking why God doesn't think you deserve to be a parent twice over. I look at some moms and think to myself, "I'm a way better parent than that chick...She never reads to her kids!...I keep my kid cleaner and smelling better than THAT (my Tarb smells like an angel even when she's sweaty)...that woman has toddlers at home and she's partying out with guys that aren't her husband??"

There are many blessings that have come so easily in my life - fabulous parents and family, my career, material comforts - but I often flagellate myself by wishing the blessings of others on myself. OK, that's a wordy euphemism for BEING ENVIOUS. I swear, when I'm in the zone I can envy ANYONE and ANYTHING. Now how tiring is that? Thankfully, very. And I snap out of it eventually.

I just never thought that baby envy could get this manic.

So when my energy's not so negative, I go back to my Tarb and she says, Let me hug you. You're my best mommy in the world. Sigh.

When The Second Time Ain't A Charm

"Infertility does not mean we are selfish or ungrateful. Infertility isn't punishment for finishing college, or having a good career. It doesn't mean we want it all. With secondary infertility it doesn't mean we aren't grateful for the children we do have. We want what many, many people take for granted, the ability to have children when you decide you are ready ... We just want the family we imagined having".

Here's something I read on another mom's blog and it really struck a cord with me. Finally, someone who gets it.

I've been very open about my efforts in trying to have a second child. Me shy? Hell, no I'll talk about it to whoever cares to listen when I'm in the mood. The reactions I get vary: Well, you've had one already, I'm sure you'll have another one in time. Then there's: But you should be thankful that you already have ONE. And the most common: The both of you are probably just so stressed from work - take a vacation.

For the women who get pregnant by so much as a sneeze from the opposite sex and friends who've spent years focusing on NOT getting knocked up, yes, these might seem like helpful and sympathetic comments. But for anyone who has done even minimal research, secondary infertility is a REAL problem - not something conjured up in the minds of busy, educated yuppies. (And I'm not even sure if I fit in that demographic). People who have babies with little effort - from the rich Opus Dei baby making machines to the urban poor house wives - just don't get it. They might as well tell a starving child in Darfur that dinner at the Four Seasons is overrated.

I have not undergone extensive procedures to find out exactly why baby #2 refuses to come into existence, but I know that I have one polycystic ovary (the left is a lemon) and that my husband has an ok-but-boderline-sperm count. Clomid for moi and Proviron for him are the treatments we've been using. I'm one unsuccessful Clomid cycle away from seeing a specialist.

There is a huge emotional toll that comes with not getting pregnant when you feel you're good and ready. And the hormone imbalance only makes this exponentially worse. (This will have to be written about more extensively on another post!) The pills, ovulation piss sticks and scheduled sex are not the most ideal elements for a fun tryst but they're part of the deal. Fine.

MY issue is not being able to create the family that I want - the kind you picture yourself having, the kind you honestly believe you deserve . (Enter the voices of the "concerned" friends and relatives: It's just not meant for you yet). Yah, ok screw you - that's like me saying, you should cut your three youngest children out of your life. Am I selfish for wanting to multiply the joy that my daughter has brought into my life and all those around her? I sound like a petulant child and at this point in my cycle I won't apologize for it.

This venting is thoroughly incongruous with my faith and spiritual beliefs. But there's no room here at this moment to wax philospohical about all this because infertility is what it is. Painful. Degrading. Frustrating. And in the darkest days, very lonely.

I'm Baaack...

It's been three months since I made a blog entry of any kind. My original blog was on my now-defunct .Mac website (which I do not have the money to reactivate) but I've decided that it's time to get the fingers on the keyboard again.
I'm overly hormonal and really not emotionally equipped to produced any literary gems - but here I am.