Tired

Today, I'm feeling like I'm tired of trying to get knocked up. I'm in one of those if-God-wanted-me-to-have-another-kid-I'd-have-one-by-now moods. I haven't been taking Met though I know I should. It's just after lunch, I've had a good meal and now would be the perfect time to pop one but I'm hesitating like anything. Seriously, WHAT'S THE POINT?? The meds don't work. I don't like them and they certainly don't like me.

I often see this whole secondary IF thing as the Powers That Be making me work for something that I truly want since a lot of the other things I truly wanted in the past (including Tarb #1) came pretty easy. Ok, ok, so maybe I should trouble and toil my ass off for the second but today, I'm tired.

Tired of waiting, tired of wanting, tired of thinking, tired of counting and tired of hearing: Tarb's so big already, isn't it time for another one?

If I just banished the desire for another child, I wouldn't be so worked up and anxious, right? So part of me wants to stop wanting it because I'm just so fricking tired. But realistically speaking, that's not gonna happen, not anytime soon anyway. So here I am waiting, wanting, thinking, counting... with negative vibes all around me.

In short, not a good day for not being fertile.

When We First "Met"

Started Met.for.min on Thursday. Popped one 500 mg tab and a few hours later could feel my tummy rumbling but nothing disastrous happened.

Friday was, unfortunately, a different story. About three and a half hours after taking the tab, I was over at a neighbor's house to pick up the Tarb from a playdate. And as I was chatting with the nice host mommy, I was hit by a sudden stomach (small intestine?) spasm. Like the kind that comes so suddenly and with such force, you almost have to hold on to something. Good thing DH was with me. I excused myself and hopped across the street where my sister in law lives (convenient, eh?) and sped to her guest bathroom. What followed had me sweating bullets and could have broken the toilet bowl. And there were at least two milder (thank God!) repeats later in the afternoon.

I was warned by my RE and some lovely ladies in blogland about this but I honestly didn't think it would be this bad. It was debilitating! I didn't go to work on Friday for fear of not being within a 10 meter radius of a clean, private toilet. Yes, I've been told my body will get used to it but now I live in fear of taking it! I knew I'd be out the whole day Sat. and Sun. so I didn't take it then. And now, I'm trying to convince myself it'll be ok. Help!

How long did it take you guys to get used to it?

Oh - something I've been meaning to ask is, why does everyone put a period (haha no pun intended) between the letters in a name of a medicine as in Met.formin and Lu.pron? Is that so Googlers won't find you? Can't think of any other reason...

Not So Bad News

I finally got see my RE today - at least her daughter anyway. The results are in - and they're suprisingly quite good.

First moi - all my FSH, LH, testosterone and insulin levels are normal. This totally surprised me. While I was happy to hear it, it made me ask (not out loud), why the hell am I not ovulating regularly?? According to RE, Jr. the good news is that my brain i.e. pituitary glad, is normal because it's producing the right amounts of the necessary hormones. It's that one bloody ovary that isn't responding to the hormones. Why isn't the damn thing responding?? Anyway, the Rx is Metformin for two months. If pregnancy doesn't result, then we do the Metformin-Clomid cocktail.

Then, we discussed DH's sperm work up. Almost all his numbers saw a healthy increase. He has a count of 77.8 million. (Woo-hoo! I married a stud!), 95% of his swimmers enjoy normal morphology, and 65% of those guys are still up and at 'em after three hours. Not bad - in the last work, up only 40% were in fighting form in the third hour. The only problem: liquefaction. Semen is supposed to liquefy within 30 minutes after ejaculation. DH's liquefied after 4 hours!! But RE, Jr. says that's not a big deal. He just needs to take Ambrolex (used to make sticky mucus - usually in your nose - run. Hahaha!

So we're supposed to boink on the fertile days which RE, Jr. said starts on CD 12. My regular OB-GYN always told me to start on CD 10. Maybe we've been starting too early all this time? When do you girls start contact??

I'm a bit worried about taking Metformin. She's suggesting I take it 3 times a day. But I'm gonna start on one a day and try to work my way up. I pray that the side effects don't hit me too hard. What do you guys feel when you take it? And how many do you take in a day?

So that's me for now. Not so bad news. I'm kinda relieved but then again, I feel more pressure to get pregnant since most things appear to be "normal".

Yummyness!

I am a domestic goddess wannabe. On most days, I fail miserably at it but today - triumph!

I managed to whip up these babies this afternoon in preparation for a big play date here at home tomorrow. They are simply called Chunky Chocolate Cookies is the recipe book. They resemble your basic chocolate crinkle but the batter isn't so sweet which is why you require a dollop of the divinely sinful icing. The recipe called for chocolate buttons but I had a bag load of Hershey's Kissables (in Christmas colors, as you can see) and used those instead.

Hope the kids like them because if not, they'll be mine all mine...!!!

What A Journey It Has Been

Here are the lyrics of the song that all the kids at the Tarb's school sang on "Moving Up" Day. I get all weepy when I think of my Tarb as a "traveller" just starting her journey through life. But the reason I'm posting it here is because I think it's so appropriate for what we go through in IF.

The song is called, The Journey. And Baby Blues just informed me that it's by THE best Flipino singer ever, Lea Salonga. It's on iTunes but if you want, I'd be happy to email you the mp3 file. Enjoy...

Half the world is sleeping
Half the world's awake
Half can hear their hearts beat
Half just hear them break

I am but a traveller
In most every way
Ask me what you want to know

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way
When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in
What a journey it has been

I have been to sorrow
I have been to bliss
Where I'll be tomorrow
I can only guess

Through the darkest desert
Through the deepest snow
Forward, always forward I go

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way
When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in
What a journey it has been

Forward, always forward
Onward, always up
Catching every drop of hope
In my empty cup

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way
When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in
What a journey it has been

Sentimentality & New Found Respect

Today is officially the Tarb's first day of summer vacation! On Friday, the kids performed in their grand, year ending program cheerfully named "Moving Up Day". The theme was "Preschool Musical" inspired by the movie "High School Musical". The kids performed songs from there and other Disney favorites. They were simply adorable - all of them, not just mine... ok, especially mine.

Now I have to admit, I do get all sentimental at events like this. No streaming cheeks, mind you - just misty eyes. It happened at the Grandparents' Day program and at the Christmas one as well. But Moving Up Day was worse because of the choice of songs like "Miracles Happen"* and "The Journey"* which really made me take stock of all the things the Tarb has accomplished in the past nine months. She went in there knowing only the letters in her initials give or take a couple more. Now she knows all of them and their sounds and can write her full name. Back then, she could only count to 10 by rote. Now she can meaningfully count objects up to 15. And her ability to follow Teacher M's choreography has improved by leaps and bounds. (Stage mother trying to control herself... but it's no use!) And seriously, she was the star of the show - stage blocking had her in the front, smack in the middle.

I don't think of myself as a super mom. With my dependence on the yaya (read: Tagalog for nanny), it would be awfully pretentious to do so. But I sure as hell looked like one at the program as I squatted in front of the stage simultaneously shooting video and taking digital stills from two cameras. (Yah, I know most cameras have both functions but I'm not happy with the low-res stills from my video cam and the low-res video from my digital). DH woke up late, arrived late and just happily enjoyed the show from the seat I saved him, so it was up to me to single-handedly record this moment in history.

The Tarb did as well as expected with her natural immunity from stage fright, give-it-all-she's-got moves and star-quality projection etc. etc. As I watched the kids and noticed how they were all just that much more grown up, I was painfully reminded of how time's swiftness is a betrayal of parental joy. We long to see our kids do this and that and when they do, we sigh about how quickly they're changing.

No one understands or welcomes this bittersweet condition like a preschool teacher. I watched them as they led their kids with gusto and caught them smiling with pride and eyes shiny with tears. After the show, they hugged the kids from their respective classes, telling them how much they'd miss them. The sincerity in their affection surprised me even though I had become aware, during the course of the year, just how fond the kids and teachers had grown of each other. My heart just swelled knowing that someone who wasn't a relative or friend could care for and be so devoted to my kid.

I have to confess that I often pigeon holed preschool teachers as young girls who lacked the drive to make it in the corporate arena or the direction to do something more "meaningful" in life. I couldn't have been more wrong. Friday was a humbling experience for me. Preschool teachers are my new heroes! I am a fan! I have the greatest repsect for what they do and am ever so grateful that they have been a part of our lives.

*I should post the lyrics of these songs because they are also very appropriate for IF-ers!!

Wait Extended

I didn't end up going to see my RE on Thursday for several reasons. For one thing she had an emergency and the DH only collected his sperm sample that same day. So we figured it'd be best to wait for his results to come in so we'd only need one consult to talk about our plan of action.

BUT it turns out the RE is going on vaca so I might have to consult with her daughter - who's obviously an RE as well. That'll be on Wednseday. So till then, I think I'll just keep sipping on the fabulous caipirinha that the Stirrup Queen delievered. Aahhh...

Blood Test

Went in for the blood tests my RE ordered, it being CD 3 today.

I was kind of annoyed because the med tech said he couldn't do the insulin test because I hadn't fasted overnight. But when I called the lab the day before, they said fasting wasn't really necessary if my doctor didn't specifically say so - and she didn't. To be sure, I texted "family doctor" Baby Blues and she said, I didn't really need to fast but it was best to have it done in the morning. Anyway, I have to go back tomorrow morning first thing to get it done. What a pain.

Speaking of pain, I almost died when they gave me the bill for the four tests: LH, FSH, testosterone and insulin. Bloody, frickin' hell man!!! &*^%$#@ It's like a joke The Powers That Be are playing on us. In this country, the poorest of the poor have no problems conceiving. They're baby factories. Families with eleven kids are NOT an uncommon thing for those at or below the poverty line. Then, here's me - seemingly barren but living quite comfortably. It's like the Universe is saying, "Hey, you can AFFORD to be infertile!" Oh hahaha, so funny, so clever. Thanks a lot!

Anyway, my Tarb was with me when I had the test done and she was just the cutest. She volunteered to hold my hand while it was all being done. And she said, "I might give you a lollipop after". (Standard procedure at her pedia's office - she's such a fabulous patient, she gets two).

The nursery is on the same floor as the lab, so the Tarb and I had a good look at the babies on the way out. There were only three of them and they were all wrapped like spring rolls in their blue and green blankets. When I told her they were all boys, she was like, I don't like them. Where's the girl? And providentially, she did get to see a baby girl when we got in the elevator. She was getting ready to go home.

I thought I might feel bad seeing the babies but I'd say it was more excitement. Ok, there was a teeny weeny weeny dull ache somewhere within but still, excitement was the overriding emotion. I guess it's because I know that I'm doing something more concrete to find out about and hopefully solve my infertility.

And by Thursday, I should have some answers.

Announcing The Arrival Of...

AUNT FLO.

Of course she chose to arrive at a truly inconvenient time - at work, in the middle of my show! And she brought along presents like extreme bloatedness in all the wrong places and piercing lower back pain. Smile!

But I must say, I'm happy to see the old hag. Her arrival means that I can subject myself to a blood test over the weekend. And I don't really fear needles, so no problem there. As my Tarb says, "I'm brave of injections" - and she truly is. She doesn't cry. She'll maybe let out a whimper at most. And the freakiest thing of all - she LOOKS while they're doing it! Strange child...

Anyway, I need to pop an Advil to take the edge off AF's visit. Have a great weekend, everyone!

The Consult

I went to see Dr. L the RE for the first time today. She was very business like - in a grandmotherly way. Not exactly like my regular OBGNYE whom I can chat up a storm with but warmer than I had expected.

Here's the score:

- After an IE, she said my uterus was slightly enlarged probably because I'm expecting AF but we couldn't rule out pregnancy.
- A test done right then and there was a BFN - surprise, surprise...
- My uterus is leaning forward slightly so my cervix is postioned a bit further back than usual. Dr. L said it was nothing to worry about.
- I need to go in for a blood test on CD 2 or 3 to see where I stand but there is definitely Metformin in my future.
- Hubby needs another sperm work up. 5 days abstinence - good luck to me convincing him it'll all be worth his "sacrifice" and whacking off in the toilet of the outpatient lab at the hospital.
- Dr. L says it's very unlikely my tubes are blocked because 1) I already have one kid and 2) I haven't had any infections.
- Dr. L also said, I'm very lucky 1) to have had one successful pregnancy considering my one lazy ovary and LT's slightly low sperm count 2) that I don't exhibit the tell tale signs of a PCOS patient (being overweight and hairy) probably because only one ovary was diagnosed as polycystic.

So now there's nothing to do but wait for AF - that inconsiderate cow who's never there when you need her but ALWAYS there when she's not welcome.

I'm actually excited to get all the results. I'm all bright eyed and bushy-tailed that they won't be tooooo bad. But even if they are, it'll be nice to finally see exactly where we are in the labyrinth of IF. Anything beats guessing and worrying in informational limbo, right?

And if anyone sees AF, please tell her to come by my house asap.

The Souvenir

I was looking for something in the jungle that is my night stand drawer today and then I saw it. The one and only BFP pregnancy test stick my pee has ever been able to produce. It was really the strangest feeling to see it and hold it in my hands. I swear, I had a nanosecond-long adrenaline rush, thinking or hoping really hard - for a second - that I had just peed on the damn thing!

I was staring the the two purple parallel lines for quite a while... then I got sad. I thought about my knees going weak and the blood turning to ice in my veins that night - December 9th, 2002. There's just no thrill like it. And it scares the shit out of me to think that I may not ever feel that particular kind of joy again. I never thought it'd take this long or be this hard to see those two lines side by side again.

By the end of the month, it'll be exactly two years since we started TTC for Tarb #2. Where does the time go? Maybe I should've sent myself to an RE back then - but who knew, right?

There are days I can literally feel my body pining for a pregnancy. Is that weird? It's hard to explain but I start to remember very vividly how it felt to have a swollen belly, bloated breasts, suddenly softened joints, glowing skin. I remember it so clearly sometimes it's like I can actually feel it. I loved the quickening, the fluttering of butterfly wings, bubbles bursting in your tummy - whatever you call it - it's your kid, living and growing inside you. And what I miss most is how PURPOSEFUL pregnancy makes you as a whole.

The things I'm saying may sound really selfish: first, for those of you who haven't even had your first Tarb and second, because I'm emphasizing how fabulous pregnancy made ME (me, me, me) feel - so for that I apologize. But those are the things that honestly come to my mind.

Then soon after that are that thoughts that say: Maybe, me wanting to get pregnant is a selfish thing because I want to feel this and feel that and have more purpose and maybe, I'm too arrogant because I believe DESERVE it because I am (so I like to think) a damn good mom. (Ooh, too many run on sentences - next paragraph please).

I don't have any answers to these crazy questions and I don't pretend to.

All I know is I want a baby.

Seeing an RE for the first time ever tomorrow - hope she can help. Good luck to me...

The Next Step

Took at EPT on Saturday night and it was... a nice, neat BFN.
So instead of wasting another month on Clomid... I've decided it's time to see a specialist. As in I'm seeing her (Dr. L) on Thursday. I'm told she's always booked up but since her clinic operates on a first come, first served basis, I shall haul my infertile ass there reeeaaally early.

As for AF, I'd love to say, the bitch is back - but she ain't. As always, extending her sabbatical in lord knows where.

I'm a little nervous bout seeing an RE but we'd all do whatever it takes and this is the next, perhaps long overdue, step. I've been reading up on all the little things that could be wrong with me and the DH and it's really quite scary. The thing that worries me the most is the fact that - because my Tarb was delievered by C section - I could have adhesions in my uterus, making conditions less than ideal for implanation. (Freak out, freak out!) Although, when I last went for an US, my OBGNY said that it looked like the incision in my uterus healed nicely. Then again, how accurately can an US show you that - haven't a clue!

But I supposed more light will be shed on all this in the coming weeks after a visit to the RE. Good luck to me!

Cramping...

Dear Aunt Flo has sent signals that she's coming for a visit... yipee.

Was sitting in the car in traffic today, then suddenly there it was - the slight back pain and the oh so subtle cramping.

Just a matter of time. Dognabbit!

Waiting...

So it's the days before Aunt Flo's "scheduled" visit and I'm short of going crazy with the thoughts in my head. I'm over analyzing every damn little thing my body is feeling.

This is me the whole day...hmm, my tummy's feeling a wee bit acidic... why am I so sleepy?... you're always sleepy! Oh oh my boobs look bigger... you wish!... I'm sooo hungry... yes, because you didn't have breakfast, genius... hey, I'm not grumpy... if I'm not grumpy I'm not PMSing... and if I'm not PMSing...

Sigh. I've been pregnant before and I remember exactly how it feels. And how I feel right now is not quite it. The first, unmistakable symptom for me, was the very sore breasts and unfortunately, that's one symptom I'm not suffering right now. But that doesn't stop me from hoping against hope - "It's too early to feel anything anyway". I wish there were an EPT that told you like the day after you do it, if one of the boys made it to the egg - just to save us all the agony of waiting!

Yesterday, I found out that an aquaintance of mine is knocked up with her second kid; the first is barely one. I was sincerely happy for her but I couldn't help the feeling of being left behind. I've got one last try on Clomid after this, then off we go to see a specialist.