Thursday, March 8, 2007

The Souvenir

I was looking for something in the jungle that is my night stand drawer today and then I saw it. The one and only BFP pregnancy test stick my pee has ever been able to produce. It was really the strangest feeling to see it and hold it in my hands. I swear, I had a nanosecond-long adrenaline rush, thinking or hoping really hard - for a second - that I had just peed on the damn thing!

I was staring the the two purple parallel lines for quite a while... then I got sad. I thought about my knees going weak and the blood turning to ice in my veins that night - December 9th, 2002. There's just no thrill like it. And it scares the shit out of me to think that I may not ever feel that particular kind of joy again. I never thought it'd take this long or be this hard to see those two lines side by side again.

By the end of the month, it'll be exactly two years since we started TTC for Tarb #2. Where does the time go? Maybe I should've sent myself to an RE back then - but who knew, right?

There are days I can literally feel my body pining for a pregnancy. Is that weird? It's hard to explain but I start to remember very vividly how it felt to have a swollen belly, bloated breasts, suddenly softened joints, glowing skin. I remember it so clearly sometimes it's like I can actually feel it. I loved the quickening, the fluttering of butterfly wings, bubbles bursting in your tummy - whatever you call it - it's your kid, living and growing inside you. And what I miss most is how PURPOSEFUL pregnancy makes you as a whole.

The things I'm saying may sound really selfish: first, for those of you who haven't even had your first Tarb and second, because I'm emphasizing how fabulous pregnancy made ME (me, me, me) feel - so for that I apologize. But those are the things that honestly come to my mind.

Then soon after that are that thoughts that say: Maybe, me wanting to get pregnant is a selfish thing because I want to feel this and feel that and have more purpose and maybe, I'm too arrogant because I believe DESERVE it because I am (so I like to think) a damn good mom. (Ooh, too many run on sentences - next paragraph please).

I don't have any answers to these crazy questions and I don't pretend to.

All I know is I want a baby.

Seeing an RE for the first time ever tomorrow - hope she can help. Good luck to me...


Nearlydawn said...

Good luck to you!!! Hope all goes well. :)

Samantha said...

Your post is really beautiful about the joys of pregnancy. Don't feel selfish sharing those memories. I hope things will work out.

Baby Blues said...

I want my souvenir too. And yes, all I ever wanted is a baby.

Buchiko said...

I remember my two lines. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. But unfortunately it didn't work out for me, I had blighted ovum. Don't worry about sounding selfish. This is the only place where you can candidly share your thoughts and no one will judge you. Good luck!