Weekend Waves

We spent the weekend at Su.bic B.ay - the former US navy base just a few hours drive from Manila. This picture was taken from the Y.acht C.lub poolside. Don't be fooled by the overcast skies. It was daaaamn HOT over there. The Tarb had fun which is pretty much all the matters. (The foot at the lower left corner of the photo is my cousin's - the SIL of Baby Blues - just in case you were wondering). I wanted to use a pic of the Tarb in the goggles and floaties but DH'd kill me.

This is my "fertile" weekend - at least according to the textbooks. I have not lived up to my promise of taking Met regularly. Go ahead, call me a pussy! But still I think I might actually be ovulating. I've got little pangs of pain in my lower abdomen - good! My boobs kinda of a sort of a hurt - ohhhhk. But I haven't noticed any great changes in CM - not so good.

It's near impossible to be accurately atuned to your body when you're trying so hard to look for or feel something! It's almost as bad as second guessing everything you're feeling after a 2ww.

My last post had me spewing sunshine all over my dear readers. And my mood now is not a drastic departure from that. In fact, I hardly thought about being in the IF rut while we were in Su.bic - and to think it was my first fertile day on Friday. I was just like, "I'm ready for action" and didn't dwell on "O God was that the one that's going to do it??".

But then I realized the pain of IF comes in waves. Last night after watching a movie I was thinking about how some newlyweds I know will be getting knocked up sooner rather than later and how that might make me feel - even if it were their first pregnancy. And thinking that way surprised me because just last week I learned of some new pregnancies (just acquaintances on their 2nd or 3rd Tarbs) and I felt fine about it.

Also last week, my dear friend K (married six years, TTC for 5) just found out that her tubes are almost completely blocked. It's not the end of the road of course, she still has options like surgery and IVF or both. But the bad news made me think. Am I wasting my time? maybe I should have MY tubes checked. (But my RE says my tubes'd be the last thing she'd check because I already have a kid and I haven't - as far as we know - suffered any infections). When I told DH about K and their likely next step to IVF, he was all like, so why don't we just do THAT? He's funny sometimes. I wish he'd read up on IF more!

So that's me for now. Partly optimistic, partly worried and hoping like mad.

CD7, Baby!

AF arrived on Monday. Gotta love her! She's a scientific explanation for bitchyness and she makes your boobs nice and "fluffy" for a few days.

Forty days for an unassisted cycle is not bad - certainly not for moi who's been known to go all the way to oh... CD90!

I've told myself, I'm really gonna make my peace with Met.form.in. Just bite the bullet. Go through a few days of hell to get used to it and seriously get on the road to more productive ovaries. What's a few wretched days of toilet-bowl-breaking loose bowels for another baby after all, right? Pray for me! I keep telling myself, start the Met tomorrow... then I conveniently forget and then say, oh tomorrow and before you know it I'm singing the chorus like little orphan Annie. I'm going to do this. I HAVE to!

Aside from taking the Met (starting tomorrow...) this is the plan. CD12 will be on Friday so I need to be getting all randy and frisky next weekend. Sometimes the thought is "oh, that'll be fun... i think". But most of the time it's "oh crap, scheduled sex... pressure... how can we do it like we're doing it for fun?" Perhaps the most comforting thought is "at least it's on the weekend". Whatever... I'm not sure how I feel about it. Kinda excited, kinda not, kinda hoping he doesn't do anything to piss me off next weekend, kinda hoping I'm not hormonal and moody then.

I'm actually feeling very positive about IF - for the moment. I'm in one of those We Can Do It On Our Own frames of mind. We did it on our own once, we can do it again! Nothing is impossible! Miracles happen! Just do it! You miss 100% of the shots you don't take! Believe! It'll happen when the time is right! Never say never! Please, add to my cliches! For some strange reason they've really been working for me the past few days. Seriously! I am dispensing (Infertility Brand) sunshine - and it's for free. I don't do it often so here... catch!

The 2nd International Infertility Film Festival

Bea of Infertile Fantasies is doing it again!
After the first - not to mention very successful - 1st International Film Festival, she's sprucing up the second with a new logo (not the one shown here) and hopefully (with your help) even more entries.
If you've never heard of the festival, you can draw inspiration from entries of the first one.
And update yourself on the 2nd here.

Great job, Bea! Looking forward to it!

CD37, Baby!

I haven't been writing because there really isn't that much to to write about. AF is missing in action. I'm on CD 37! Technically this cycle was unmedicated because I was NOT taking Met regularly due it's nasty ass side effects. So lord only knows when the old bitch will show up again. I'm kind of in a bad mood so hopefully that means she'll be here real soon.

As for the Met taking, I've been pretty good. Good in my case means, I've been handling it every other day. I'll keep doing that for the next few days and hopefully by next week will muster the courage to take one everyday.

I'm a wee bit peeved today because I was sooo looking forward to having the morning all to MYSELF. DH has work all day and Tarb was supposed to take a day-long sojourn in the countryside with her grandmother but that is NOT pushing through. I wanted to surf and blog away before going to work myself but nooooooo.

Anyway, I'm rather looking forward to the traffic I expect to encounter on the way to work. I've learned to make my time in the car my alone time. Unfortunately, I can't blog from there. Heck, I don't even have a bloody laptop.

So enough bitching from moi. I hope to be back in a slightly more cheerful mood.

In the meantime, please visit Snickollet. I read her blog for the first time just yesterday thanks to Max's Mom. Snickollet has suffered a horribly tragic loss. I can't imagine any words can console her now but do leave her a message anyway.

Exactly A Month

It's been exactly a month since AF last visited. It's not like I was expecting her TODAY since she never comes on time anyway. But I am totally symptom-less. I don't even have her advanced party of lower back pain or minor cramps. I guess it's my fault because I haven't been taking the Met that I should. It's was a holiday here last week starting Thursday - it would have been the perfect time to take it... but I didn't. Honestly, aside from living in fear of taking the God awful stuff, on many occasions I just forgot.

Anyway, this leads me to ask again, if my LSH, FH and testosterone levels were all normal and DH's last SA was looking pretty good, why the hell am I not pregnant and why the hell am I not even ovulating?? I stupidly forgot to ask RE, Jr. that during the last consult.

So let's just make a deal AF, you come over asap and I SWEAR I will start taking the Met regularly to (hopefully!) keep you away for a good nine months.

Noom-nee-noom-nee-noom, I twiddle my fingers while waiting for an unwanted visitor. This is like starring in Groundhog Day.

How To Deal

Over the past few days, I haven't really felt the sting or the heartbreak that IF can often send my way. And to think several fertiles have hinted that they're up for having their second kid - and I just know that they'll get knocked up before me.

Instead, what I was thinking was

1) What if I just tell people that I only want one Tarb my whole life? That way, no one will have to know about the frustration I feel - the frustration that no one seems to understand anyway because the Tarb is already that light of my life and I "should be happy that I already have one". And if I tell them I'm not trying, they won't know that I'm failing and I won't have to feel like an incompetent loser among fertiles.

But after a few minutes of reflection, I realized this would never work because I've shouted to the four winds just how badly I want another Tarb and detailed just how hard I'm trying.

2) And this really makes more sense. I just would like God to tell me if he's ever going to give me another Tarb or not. If yes, ok I'll wait but could he tell me if I should bother with treatments? And if no, boo-fucking-hoo, bawl my eyes out for a few years and then (I think) I could be ok with that. KNOWING that I'll never have another one will kill a part of my soul but a lot of me would come to life again since I wouldn't have to deal with so much wondering and disappointment. And I could free up tons of storage space instead of hanging on to Tarb's baby stuff, hoping against hope that I'll need them again soon.

Just say the word, man! I mean, God...

I need an Easter prayer...

What's In A Name?

What's in a blogger's name?
Too much according to DH. He's not thrilled about my blogging but "tolerates" it. Tolerates it means, whenever he sees me tapping on the keyboard he rolls his eyes and can't resist spewing out a mouthful about how blogging takes away our quality time and is a complete invasion of our privacy etc. etc.

He was rather upset about my username, saying if anyone who I knew from RL came across it, they'd know instantly it was me. I have to admit he has a point there. Not that I really care if a reader from RL could identify me - but it bothers him so now my blog name and my username are the same. Still me though =)

Fluffy Boobs

I'm feeling the pre-AF bloat. That, with a "plugged up" GI and a ridiculously huge full moon is not pleasant. I haven't taken Met in a few days... maybe I should. But honestly, I think that's what brought about my plugged up-ness. My tummy rumbles but I'm not egesting as completely as I'd like. So sorry to share that.

As I said in the last post, based on my one-time experience, if you're pregnant, your boobs become what I can only describe as "fluffy". They become very swollen and assume a gravity-defying quality. They're heavy, yet look light and airy. Light like fluffy, beaten egg whites. And as for fondling, forget it. Pregnant breasts are "you even just poke and I'll kill you" breasts.

Obviously, the current state of my breasts are nothing like those mentioned above. So I'm waiting patiently for AF. Actually she's not due till next week - and being the fickle little bugger that she is, she might change her mind and leave me in cycle limbo for quite a while longer.

I seriously need to make friends with Met soon. Looking at the BOX that I bought, the box that remains full, makes me wanna puke. Thursday and Friday are holidays here - I guess I should take advantage and pop some then.

Some Real Gems

Had dinner with some extended family members last night. And they came up with some real gems about how to get over the failure to produce Tarb #2. Some lines are old and worn out, others more amusing. I didn't get upset with them. They all truly meant well and I love them for it. But as they were talking, I smiled, nodded and allowed myself a nice long, mental sigh.

Here's what they came up with:

- You should relax.

- Don't try so hard.

- Just don't think about it and you'll get pregnant.

- You need to take a vacation where it's quiet and the air is clean.

- Well, you should be thankful with the one that you have.

- How did you manage to have Tarb then?

- I have a really strong novena you can pray. It really works they say.

- If your grandmother were alive, she'd tell you not to torture yourself taking all that medication.

- Both of you should just eat durian. (That's an "exotic" tropical fruit, hard and spikey on the outside, creamy and extremely pungent on the inside. Good thing I actually like it). So and so didn't have kids for the longest time, when she and her husband started eating the stuff, they had five kids in a row.

- It will come.

- God's spacing it out so Tarb can enjoy her time as the apple of everyone's eye.

If there's one thing I hate hearing, it's the "you should be thankful for the one that you have". Is there anyone who knows me that actually thinks I take my daughter FOR GRANTED?? That I'm so unimpressed with the person she is that I just want another Tarb because it's like I'm trying to complete a tea set? I guess they meant, you've already been blessed... Thank you, like I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

Moving on...
I'm on CD 25 and feel nothing that even hints at a pregnancy. Had some back pain while riding the car yesterday. That's like AF sending you a letter to say she'll be over in the next week or so. Then, there were bouts of pain/cramps where I imagine my ovaries to be. There's also a wee bit of constipation. What I am constantly on the lookout for is sore, sore boobs - and I haven't had those in like a million years (obviously). I mean, we all get sore-ish boobs when AF is on the way but pregnancy sore boobs are like nothing I've ever experienced before. That's the only thing that'd make me REALLY stop and think, could it be...?

I only started taking Met just over a week ago. And so far I've only managed to take it like every other day. Yah, like that's really gonna help make the extra follicles in my left ovary disappear.

I have this rather stupid thought/question about women who are readily able to produce more than one child. If a woman has two kids or more, doesn't that make her more of a mother than me (because she has more kids and I only have one)? Ok, your collective eyeballs are rolling, I can feel it but seriously. A woman who has more than one kid, has more to deal with, gains more experience and is therefore more of a mom, right? Not that that makes me less of a woman (just as IF should not diminish one's sense of womanhood), just less of a mom? Gee, can you tell it bothers me when people have more (of anything) than me? Ok, raise your hand if you're feeling extra insecure this weekend... (Me! Me! Me!)

Sorry for the rambling, people... I hope to produce something more coherent and positive next week!
Cheers to a fairly decent weekend!